Summer is upon us, and so are my cat’s weird ideas for filling up the time. This has to be the last time I ask Stella what she wants to do this summer.
Hey Stella, do you want to do anything special this summer?
Let’s go to the beach!
Not this again, Stella.
What do you have against the beach?
Fine, humor me: What exactly would we do at the beach?
Oh, I don’t know, lie around, take a dip, perhaps go to the, you know, bathroom.
I knew it!
It’s not my fault the beach is the world’s greatest litter box.
That’s not a reason to go the beach.
Imagine me picking the right spot. It could take hours. I’d be in heaven, padding through the dunes. You could follow me around with your little shovel.
It’s a cat scoop.
Whatever. The point is: Wow, what a spot to relieve oneself.
Again, not a reason to go to the beach.
You could do it, too! I’d make a fine lookout.
And then what would we do, after you conduct your business?
I don’t know. Go home? Yeah, we’d go home.
So we’d go all the way to the beach, you’d relieve yourself, and we’d go home.
Oh, like you’re going to want to stand around in a bathing suit all day.
I look fine in a bathing suit.
Keep telling yourself that, pal.
Anyhow, it’s not proper to go to the bathroom on the beach.
Dogs do it all the time.
Dogs also frolic. They chase Frisbees. They play.
Come on! It’s a giant litter box. Work with me!
Let’s move on. Any other summertime activities that interest you?
That’s not an activity.
Sure it is. You turn it on, and we sit there like it’s Arizona. Make a whole summer out of it.
You know how much I like water balloons.
I don’t want to talk about water balloons.
There’s a hysterical mole-rat across the street that needs water ballooning.
That’s a Chihuahua named Sven, Stella, and we are NOT water ballooning him.
Could do Sven a world of good. Snap him back to reality.
How about we do something nice? Like sell lemonade? A cat selling lemonade would be a hit.
How about a cat selling spiked lemonade? Give the neighborhood another reason to avoid the house. I’m thinking cayenne pepper, but tabasco might sneak up on people better. Cause a riot. I’m all in.
Can’t you think of something normal to do?
Is gardening normal?
Yes, but I suppose you want to “prepare” the soil or some other horrible thing.
No, I want to grow tomatoes.
Aw, that’s sweet. Stella’s tomatoes. I could make a sauce.
Nah? What does nah mean?
It means I have plans for the tomatoes.
Let me guess: Sven again?
Have you seen him run around his yard? It’s like watching a worm stuck in a vacuum cleaner. One clean shot with a tomato could set him straight.
Sven is fine, Stella. That’s just how Chihuahuas are.
I can’t imagine. How relieved you must be you have a cat.
No, you can’t imagine.