Adventure travel cats are all the rage, according to the kitties I see on Instagram. I wondered if Stella would like to join their ranks. I probably shouldn’t have.
Stella, I’m curious. What’s your opinion about adventure travel?
I ADORE it. I’ve always fashioned myself a sailor, you know.
I didn’t know that.
Ever since I was a kitten I’ve had visions of taking Jeff Bezos’ superyacht to Monaco and gambling the night away at the baccarat tables. I watched a lot of Miami Vice as a kitten.
What about something more rustic?
Like Bill Gates’ superyacht? I think he only has one helicopter.
I mean adventure, Stella, just you amidst nature. Some people bring their pets with them on vacations like that.
Cats on vacation? How long has this been going on?
Uh … years?
Funny how you’ve never mentioned it. Funny how I’ve never even been to the SUPERMARKET, when all these other cats have been gallivanting around ice floes and hugging spider monkeys.
Nobody is hugging spider monkeys.
I could get a spider monkey to hug me.
I watched Nat Geo Kids for NINE years.
Stella, what about something a bit closer to home?
Well, I’ve always wanted to free solo El Capitan. Why should Alex Honnold get all the credit?
You slipped off the bed this morning. And how do you know about Alex?
I make it my business to know about Alex Honnold. All cats do. I could handle the Freerider route in two hours, tops. Just don’t trim my nails beforehand.
Remember last week when you couldn’t get down from the bookshelf?
But I got UP the bookshelf.
I was thinking more of us on a simple camping trip.
And we’d what? Hunt and fish? Maybe find a vertical slab to train on?
Eh, mostly you’d be inside the tent.
Inside the tent.
You know how fleas upset you.
Don’t get me started on fleas …
I’m not trying to get you —
Entitled vermin! Amassing in places I can’t reach! Carrying on like it’s Mardi Gras on my lower back! Having children in my ARMPIT!
We really don’t have to talk about —
Do I cling to the bellies of passing elephants? Do I make my home in the folds of a rhino like nothing is amiss?! Mark my words, human, nature erred with the flea!
Noted. Are you done?
I think so. Wow, that was exhilarating. What were talking about again? Food?
Ah. And I’m for it? Sorry, my mind is a total blank.
I was outlining the reasons you’d have to stay in a tent if we went camping. No. 1: You hate fleas. No. 2: You’re afraid of pinecones.
I am not afraid of pinecones!
I am not afraid of … Oh right, I’m afraid of bears.
And I don’t even need to ask what’ll happen if I put you on a leash and —
It’ll be the last thing you do.
Exactly. So, we are left with the tent.
Aren’t you forgetting something?
We can’t bring the refrigerator.
I don’t mean that … but now that you bring it up, why can’t we?
We also can’t bring the couch.
What are we, savages?
It’s camping, Stella. Just the basics.
You’re forgetting nature is my ancestral home, my natural state. I’m a PREDATOR out there in the wild, a KING.
Still can’t bring the couch.
KINGS NEED TO SLEEP.
What do you say we start smaller? Maybe take that trip to the supermarket you always talk about.
Can I ride in the cart?
Make sure to go down the meat aisle. You wouldn’t BELIEVE the stories I’ve heard about it.