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5 Ways I Suffer Physically to Appease My Cats

My bladder's about to pop. My legs are asleep. But why would I remove a snoozing kitty from my lap?

 |  Jul 12th 2013  |   46 Contributions


I share my home with three cats and, believe me, I've known from day one who's really in charge around here. They totally have me wrapped and they know it. In fact, many times I suffer physically uncomfortable positions and situations because I don't want to disturb their happiness. Well, I suppose "stuck" isn't the correct word -- I could disrupt their joy, but I'm nothing if not accommodating (read: sucker). 

Here are five physical discomforts I suffer in order to appease my cats and provide them with the contentment they so deserve.

1. Teetering buns

How I work a good deal of the time.

Sometimes I leave my office chair to do something selfish -- you know, like go to the bathroom or grab a snack -- and return to find my seat's been hijacked by a fuzzbutt, usually Cosmo. Do you think I even consider moving him? Why on earth would I do that when I can just balance on the edge of the chair, allowing him the lion's share of the space? And as he stretches those cute little haunches, my rump gradually loses ground. Soon, I'm forced to surrender my entire comfy seat to Cosmo and grab a different chair -- usually a hard, wooden kitchen chair. It's OK ... really.

2. Bursting bladder

I don't have to pee, I don't have to pee, I don't have to pee ...

Have you ever delayed a much-needed trip to the loo because an adorable cat was curled in your lap, trapping you? Yeah, me too. I try to hold out as long as possible, but there comes a point where I either need to move the cat or risk staining the sofa. According to a Huffington Post article, holding your urine can have detrimental physical effects on your bladders, causing bacteria to grow and the possible loss of the signal to know when it's time to go. Are these threats enough to make me disturb my sleeping angel's slumber? I'm just throwing out an alternative solution here: adult diapers FTW.

3. Cramped catnaps

Cosmo and Phoebe will magically continue moving until they're plastered against me.

Sharing a bed with cats is nothing short of an adventure. You settle into one position and, if your cats are like mine, they magically move closer and closer to you throughout the night. I constantly toss and turn when I sleep, which presents a challenge when cats are plastered against me. So I move as much as I'm able to and find myself in some of the wackiest, most uncomfortable positions. I'd love to see one night's worth of time-lapsed footage of me trying to sleep with cats. I'm certain it'd resemble some sort of manic, horizontal tai chi. Not much sleep actually happens, just a long string of catnaps. 

4. Hanger pains

Cosmo: "The only thing you're hungry for is ME."

So you're all settled in with kitty and you've avoided reaching for your cup of coffee so you won't have to displace the snoozing baby, but you suddenly realize you haven't eaten anything for hours ... and your somach is starting that angry grumble. This is a feeling I find hard to ignore -- I like my food and tend to slip into serious hanger (an annoying combination of anger and hunger) when my gastric needs aren't met. I'll endure this rumbly tummy for a short time, but then I am forced to move the kitty and feed my face. The solution? Snacks beside every sitting area in my house. Snacks and adult diapers. 

5. Snoozing appendages

Cannot.feel.legs.

I enjoy sitting cross-legged, especially when enjoying kitty time. If I place a blanket on my lap, the criss-cross legs create a cat hammock that my three immensely enjoy. The problem with this position is that, after a certain amount of time, my legs fall completely asleep. I wiggle my toes, trying to get the circulation moving, but it never works. I still try it every time. Kitty undoubtedly becomes irritated with my toe-wiggling and knee jiggling. I'm sure it probably feels like one of those cheesy coin-operated vibrating motel beds from the '70s. At this point, I'm secretly trying to make my cat feel a little discomfort so she'll make the choice to jump out of my lap. Then I can release all guilt on my part because I wasn't the one who moved her. Makes sense, no?

What physical discomforts do you endure for your cat's contentment? Tell us about it in the comments!

About the Author: Angie Bailey is a goofy girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Wrote a humor book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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