Today is National Be Bald and Free Day, in which bald people celebrate being bald and also, er, free. In honor of the day, we interviewed an expert who has much experience being bald: a Sphynx cat. We found one, woke him up, and asked him about being bald and free. His name is Jeff.
Catster: How are you celebrating It’s Be Bald and Free Day?
Jeff: Oh, the usual. A little eating, a little walking around. I stared out the window earlier. What day is this again?
It’s Be Bald and Free Day! How it does it feel to be bald?
Actually, that’s a common misperception. Sphinx cats aren’t really bald, we have a fine layer of —
So you feel EMPOWERED today?
Well, sure. I’m a cat, I feel empowered all the time. But as I was saying, Sphinx cats have a fine layer or fur covering our —
RELAX, Jeff, we love you just as you are! But tell us: Do you love yourself?
Well, yeah. I mean, I’ve never really thought about not loving myself. Seems odd. Do humans do that?
ALL THE TIME!
Put me down as loving myself. Now, as I was saying, if you look at me close, you’ll see a fine layer of soft, downy —
NEXT QUESTION! What advice can you give to people losing their hair?
None, I’m afraid. I’m not bald.
Answer the question, Jeff.
Um, I guess they should be happy? Is that what you want to hear?
Be happy, bald people! You heard it first from the bald cat.
I’m not bald.
You are bald.
I’m not bald.
You’re so bald.
Not bald at all.
Very very bald.
Not bald in the slightest.
Bald bald bald.
Completely untrue.
Not a whit of hair on you.
Covered in hair in fact.
I see no hair.
There is hair everywhere.
Next question, Jeff!
Still not bald!
So how are you going to celebrate Be Bald and Free Day?
Eat, sleep, stretch, poop, groom my fur, and then maybe claw your leg.
Don’t be mad.
I’m not bald.
You’re so bald.
Not bald at all.
Very very bald.
Not in the neighborhood of bald.
Balder than a cue ball.
A cue ball covered in downy fur.
You look like Vin Diesel eating a hard-boiled egg.
What?
Last question!
Just touch me, I feel like a chamois. Just reach out and touch my soft, downy —
LAST QUESTION, JEFF.
Fine.
How does it feel to be bald?
I’m so out of here.
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