Editor’s note: Have you seen the new Catster print magazine in stores? Or in the waiting area of your vet’s office? This article appeared in our May/June 2017 issue. Click here to subscribe to Catster and get the bimonthly magazine delivered to your home.

Like many cat owners, I try to include my cat when I celebrate the holidays — she’s a part of our family, after all. With Easter on our doorstep, I asked Stella if she’s looking forward to one of the most special days of the year.

Stella, are you excited about Easter?

So excited! Looks like our 10-year war is finally coming to a close.

Your 10-year what?

War. With the Easter Bunny.

You’ve been at war with the Easter Bunny?

Ever since I was a young kitten. Those thick haunches, that plump belly, those meaty cheeks. What I wouldn’t give to rip into that furry …

Stella! You’re talking about the Easter Bunny!

He started it! Galavanting into my yard with his hard-boiled eggs. You think a cat likes hard-boiled eggs?

I thought you loved Easter eggs.

You know I can’t handle the shells. We’ve been through this. Eggs should be scrambled, at minimum. Failing that, sunny-side up. Failing that —

I know your preferences for eggs, Stella.

Would it kill him to leave a fried egg? An omelette? What kind of magical bunny is this?

Don’t you like how he leaves you a basket full of cat toys?

Ha! Dollar-store cat toys do not impress me. It’s like the Easter Bunny is putting the least possible effort whatsoever into making the holiday special for me.

I think he’s doing his best under trying circumstances.

A warmed chicken breast would be special, not Ping-Pong balls with plastic feathers stuck
to them.

Noted. But let’s back up a bit. When you say the war is going to end, what do you mean exactly?

Let’s just say I’d stay out of the yard for a few weeks.

Did you do something to the yard?

Let’s just say that if he tries to hide an egg this year he’s going to be one sorry bunny.

WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE YARD?!

Nothing that isn’t recommend for the removal of rodents and other vermin who are preventing your lawn from look- ing its best.

Tell me you didn’t poison our yard to kill the Easter Bunny.

Quit your worrying. One of the ferret traps I got on eBay should get him first.

Here’s an idea. How about we skip Easter this year, and I just give you some grilled chicken?

You mean we can just opt out? Like how we got Santa and those trick-or- treaters to stop coming around?

Exactly.

I don’t know. I bet we can ransom the Easter Bunny for a couple of those Thanksgiving turkeys.

I’ll give you grilled chicken for a week.

Deal. I love the holidays.

About the author(s): Eleven-year-old Stella, a Bengal, has a firm grip on her handler, freelance writer Michael Leaverton, whom she rescued from an alt-weekly many meals ago. They live in San Diego.