Stella Talks Kittens


I asked my senior cat, Stella, about the new kitten in the neighborhood. She went right for the jugular.

Hey Stella, did you notice the new kitten next door?

Indeed. The neighborhood is going downhill.

Aw, she’s adorable, Stella.

I don’t think TikToking all day is “adorable.”

The kitten is TikToking?

Of course she is. Every kitten is TikToking. The entire young feline generation is just posing in front of screens all day.

They are?

Have you seen KittenTok? Kitten Instagram? Kitten after kitten, desperately mugging for followers and views, dreaming of high-dollar sponsored posts and their names up in lights — lights that, alas, will never shine.

That’s a poetic way to — wait, don’t tell me YOU’RE TikToking.

Stay on track. This whole entitled generation has me steamed. When I was a kitten it was ROUGH. We didn’t get to sleep indoors on plush cat beds.

What? I’ve bought you 13 plush cat beds to date and you haven’t so much as SAT in one!

Those were cat beds? I thought they were death cushions.

What’s a death cushion?

A cushion that kills me if I sit on it.

So you thought I bought you, my loving cat of 18 years, 13 death cushions.

I know. Seemed like a weird thing to buy.

And what’s this about you not sleeping indoors when you were a kitten? 

Remember that time I fell through a screen and had to sleep on the doormat because you couldn’t hear me meowing?

Oh. Yes. So you spent one night outside.

It felt like a year. In my heart.

I apologized many times for that. But I warned you to stop falling asleep leaning against the window screen.

And the food nowadays! The first time I even tasted wet food I was 16.

You were 3.

I was 12.

You were 3.

How about 8?

You were 3!

OK, fine. But what kind of monster doesn’t give his cat wet food until she’s 3?!

Many cats live perfectly happy lives with just dry food.

Don’t tell me Big Kibble still has its claws in you.

I know it’s hard to believe, Stella, but your childhood wasn’t that much different than that kitten’s next door.

At least my face wasn’t in a screen all day.

Oh really? Remember our old roommates Joey, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Rachel and Phoebe?

Aw, that was a fun bunch. We never did find out where Chandler worked, did we?

That was a TV show called Friends, Stella. You were a kitten during a period of heavy syndication.

So that’s why they never left the living room.

And I don’t believe for one second that kittens today are obsessed with social media.   

You’d be surprised. They’ve even made inroads into Discord and LinkedIn.

When are you going to tell me that you’re also Tik—

Just let me have this one thing!

For a cat who hates social media, you seem to spend a lot of time on social media.

I know. Funny, isn’t it?

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get Catster in your inbox!

Stay informed! Get tips and exclusive deals.

Let Catster answer all of your most baffling feline questions!

Starting at just


Follow Us

Shopping Cart