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If Cats Ran My Household, These 6 Things Would Never Get Done

Is there a cat heaven? Sure. It's a pile of laundry that's never folded, near rivers of gravy and butter.

 |  May 9th 2013  |   19 Contributions


I think my cats wish I had short-term memory loss. I know they believe their intelligence is far superior to mine (a fact I cannot refute with good conscience), but I do notice things. Cats tend to wear some of their emotions on their fuzzy little sleeves, and I can tell through their behavior when I've done something that disappoints, scares, or frustrates them. And if they had their way, I'd probably forget to do some of those very things.

"The camera -- please conveniently forget how to use it."

If I could shake my brain like an Etch-A-Sketch and forget to do these six things, no four-leggers at my house would complain one bit.

1. Fold laundry

If I pulled the warm laundry from the dryer, plopped it in the basket, and called it done, my cats would be elated. They see no reason for me to fold and put away anything. It's kind of like on Pawn Stars (OK, I know I watch too much reality TV, but I swear I'm going somewhere with this), when someone brings in a super-old item that's been repaired. The good is gone and it's worth much less than if they'd just left it in its original form. Laundry is like that. Pulled from the dryer in its rawest form, it's way more valuable to a cat than after it's been all prettied up and folded. 

Saffy asks, "Don't you have anything better to do?"

2. Vacuum

Kitties would rather we walk on layers of dirt and grime than turn on the vacuum monster. And if we simply had to clean, they'd love to see us on our hands and knees trying to pick up visible floor muck -- anything that prevents turning on that scary thing. To be truthful, I always feel a little guilty when I see them sleeping so soundly, yet I need to vacuum. Sometimes I call them over for treats or something just so I don't have to watch them jolt awake to Suckzilla. They may think I'm simpleminded, but they can never call me inconsiderate. But still they do. Sigh. 

"Do I hear Suckzilla emerging from the closet?"

3. Wash dishes

Sometimes I walk into the kitchen to find cats jumping from the kitchen counter and racing away with a "foiled again!" look on their faces. They would love nothing more than for me to regularly become distracted and forget to wash dishes. In fact, they'd prefer I don't even scrape plates, leaving tasty juices and buttery remnants to them. I sometimes intentionally avoid doing dishes -- that seems to work for them, too. 

Saffy wishes for leftover gravy plates.

4. Use the camera

Because I blog and write about cats every day, my felines are subjected to a lot of face time with the camera. Sometimes I need specific shots, so I crawl around of the floor, dangle toys, and bribe with treats. Other times, I'm looking for candid shots and wind up with a photo album's worth of back-of-the-head and fuzzy mid-movement shots. And then there's always the photo bomb or twelve. Thank goodness for digital cameras and the delete button, although my cats secretly long for the days of real film. Then they could really laugh at me as I thumb through my roll of expensive double prints that I just picked up from Walgreens. They'd really just rather I'd forget how to use the thing. 

5. Make vet check-up appointments

It's a fact: Most cats do not enjoy being loaded into a carrier and driven to the vet's office. On the short drive to and from the clinic, my cats sound like possessed howler monkeys. And as much as they don't want to climb inside the carrier at home, they refuse to leave the carrier once we're at the vet. Even though I know they need their regular visits, they'd be pleased as punch if I'd just "accidentally" toss the little reminder postcards from the good doctor.

Phoebe reaps the benefits of my forgetfulness.

6. Close the lid on the food tub

Two of my cats eat dry food, and we keep it in a tub with a lid that snaps. The kitties are familiar with this snapping sound and come running from all corners of the house when they hear it. If I neglected to close that lid, kitties would certainly climb in and enjoy a free-for-all. It's like me at a Chinese buffet. Except I've never climbed inside a hot pan of cream cheese won tons. Maybe.

What things do your cats wish you'd forget to do? Tell us in the comments!

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About the Author: Angie Bailey is a weird girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Wrote a ridiculous humor book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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