Colette's Diary

(Page 15 of 16: Viewing Diary Entry 141 to 150)  
1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12  13  14  15  16  

A Little Humor

February 28th 2009 12:06 am
[ Leave A Comment ]

Auntie Nicole sent Mom this wonderful e-mail that puts a new spin on the English language. Mom's only sorry that she didn't think of some of these herself. We thought we would share it with all our furriends. Enjoy!

Subject: neologisms

This is the Washington Post's "Annual Mensa Invitational", which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The 2008 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.) : The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an a-hole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.) : The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high .

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenouslywhen you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. - The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. - Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. - To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. - To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. - Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. - Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. - To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. - Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n.- Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. - A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. - A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. - The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n..- A Rastafarian proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. - The belief that, afte r death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n. - An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

 

Busted Twice

February 26th 2009 12:16 pm
[ Leave A Comment ]

I had a pretty good morning yesterday.

Mom left some really tasty dry kibble in the bedroom for Marrakech and Samsara the night before. (She shuts the door so I can't in.)

Some furrs have all the fun! That food is really yummy. I know 'cause Mom forgot to take it away yesterday morning and guess who got some?

It was on the floor by the computer where she was working. When she saw me there she put the bowl up on the printer so I started to follow it.

She told me she didn't care how cute it looked seeing my two ears and my eyes coming up over the top of the printer, I wasn't getting any more. Darn.

I didn't get enough to make me really sick, but I didn't feel so good yesterday and barfed last night.

Mom said that I'm in the proverbial dog house. I don't believe her. She's a softy.

 

Colette's Balanced Budget Plan

February 15th 2009 7:23 pm
[ Leave A Comment ]

Mom tried to pay the bills again today for the umpteenth time. And guess, what? She couldn't find them--again.

She said that we girls needed to stop emptying her bank account, didn't she?

Mom says she was wondering why she was almost late with the bills for the last few months and then she figured it out--it's because of me! I've been trying to help. Here's Colette's surefire balanced budget plan.

Phase 1. Sit on the bills or the checkbook so Mom can't find them because when she finds them, she starts writing.

Phase 2. Bat at the pen. She finally gets the check written and I go for operation 'make it impossible.'

Phase 3. Mom can't find the envelope. (Shh... I'm sitting on it.) Aren't I clever?

Dear American Express:

I can't pay your bill because my cat....

Giggles and Purrs...

Colette

 

Out of Jail -- Free at Last -- for Now

February 2nd 2009 11:54 pm
[ Leave A Comment ]

Ever since Mom brought Samsara home from that silly run-in she had with the can of shellac she isn't going after me anymore (at least most of the time).

(The dummy--she tried to clean up the mess herself and had to be shaved, and she sure does look funny with that naked belly of hers hanging down.)

Anyway, this is the third night that I'm going to be out of the bathroom. And, guess what? Mom bought me a really pretty new bed. Even though she put the bed in my nice sleepy corner in the living room, I wasn't sure it was my bed so I didn't want to use it. Then Mom brought my blankie out of the bathroom and put it in the bed for me. MOL, a bed just for me! It didn't take me long to figure out how comfy it is.

Purrs and good night to all...

Colette

 

How Frustrating

January 26th 2009 11:41 pm
[ Leave A Comment ]

Gone from bad to worse. I now have the squirts. Mom had a conversation with the doc today. I'm going back to w/d food and being weaned off the prednisone. I get my allergy tests in a month.

Maybe, just maybe I'll get some tasty food in the bargain then.

Grrr...

 

Short Course

January 21st 2009 9:31 pm
[ Leave A Comment ]

Short course of prednisone for me. The doc says I need to take it until I get a normal poop, then Mom can stop giving it to me.

Let's hope this works.

 

Puddin' Poops Again

January 19th 2009 11:44 pm
[ Leave A Comment ]

I want people food and Mom says I can't have it because of my allergies. She let Samsara clean the last of the pozole off her plate--I hissed at Mom when she told me I couldn't have any.

True enough, I'm back to puddin' poops since Mom started changing over the food to z/d. At least the blood has stopped, but Mom says she's calling the vet in the morning.

 

New Pictures

January 17th 2009 11:07 pm
[ Leave A Comment ]

If Mom doesn't take that camera out of my face.... I'll...

Girl can't get any privacy. Just when I thought it was safe...hasseling Mom in the shower...she had some nerve, taking the camera into the bathroom!

Friends, note some progress here--you're not seeing me in triplicate in the photo with the 3 cats. Samsara, Marrakech and I were actually sitting together. (In our own fashion, that is.)

 

I'm Back in the Bathroom. Darn!

January 11th 2009 10:27 pm
[ Leave A Comment ]

Everything was going so well last night. I was out the whole night, and then that XX#####, Samsara decided she was going to go after me at 6:45 this morning. As you can imagine, Mom didn't wake up in a good mood.

Samsara also decided she was going to try to chase me later on today. Mom put Samsara in the bedroom for the afternoon. I showed, the old furrt though, I can still out-run and out-jump her. She's not happy when I go flying over her.

 

Tonight's the Night!

January 10th 2009 10:47 pm
[ Leave A Comment ]

Mom says she's sick of locking me up in the bathroom every night to keep me safe.

With a little help from Comfort Zone with Feliway, Samsara has been calming down. That doesn't mean she's been any nicer to me, but at least she isn't stalking me all the time anymore.

Mom has been leaving us girls in the house by ourselves for short periods of time, off an on since Christmas, and we've been pretty good.

So, paws crossed and nighty-night. Mom told us to behave, but anyway, she said she's going to try to sleep with one ear open for trouble tonight.

Yawn!

 
  Sort By Oldest First

(My Angel) Colette


 

Family Pets

Misha (In
Loving Memory)
(My Angel)
Marrakech
(my precious
angel) Samsara
Cappuccino
(1981-1998)
B.A.
(1984-1998)
Cassandra

Subscribe

(What does RSS do?)