Humans are evil

Wow. I haven't written here for aaages. But since discovering Twitter I've been posting there more. Because being shorter it suits my attention span mor... Oh, look a toy.

Anyway, as I was saying, evil human. Last night she cut my foot! Says it was a perfectly innocent toenail clipping incident. Yeah, right. I'm always telling her that those claw trimmers are evil.

So I ran away from her, and left a trail of blood on the floor. Human came in my direction with cleaning products; I wasn't taking any chances. So I ran again. Before long the flat looked like something out of those slasher movies the human loves because I was running around faster than the human could clean the floor. I think leaving a trail of mess was small punishment for hurting me.

It got worse. To stop me making even more mess the human put a dressing on my foot. She taped it down with so much... tape that it took me a whole hour to get it off. She really is evil.

Today was a new day, I decided to forgive her. Mainly because she's warm to sleep next to so I wanted to snuggle up to her in the early hours. I was a fool. A FOOL!

As if everything she did to me yesterday wasn't bad enough, today she took me to the v e t to get my foot looked at. He said that my foot was fine and that the human was a bit of a drama queen and it was like her going to the doctor for a graze. In other words: She took me to the v e t for NOTHING!

Evil. Pure evil. At least I managed to knock the scab off my foot while she was fighting me into my carry box. She didn't even notice that she had blood all over her trousers until we got to the vet. Hahahaha.

Twitter

According to my human, this makes me a twit: http://twitter.com/lisysbettycat

On being disabled and feline...

My human told me that today is Blogging Against Disablism Day. I thought I'd join in. After all... it's something I know a bit about.

I'm almost certainly dyspraxic. Of course, I don't know for sure because there is no diagnostic test for cats. I'm not sure if that's disablism or speciesism. Anyway, other cats perceive me as weak because I'm always losing my balance and falling off stuff. So they pick on me. And that's not fair! It's disablism I tell you.

I used to hang out outside all the time when I lived in Shrewsbury, because there were loads of other cats and a dog about. So I stayed outside so they couldn't pick on me. But now I have a whole flat to myself (well, except for the human, and humans don't count) so I won't go outside. In fact, when the human leaves the back door open on hot days I hide under the sofa in case another animal decides to march in here like they own the place.

It's not just because of my dyspraxia that I face disablism. I have food allergies too. I can't eat chicken or turkey because they give me explosive diarrhoea. So what happens when I go to nan and grandad's house? They eat chicken. In front of me. That's just cruel. I don't taunt them about being wheelchair users, so why would they do this to me?

My human is someone else who should know better, being disabled herself. If I'm standing on her and I lose my balance, I dig my claws in in an attempt to stop myself from falling. Who wouldn't? But she always shouts "ow!" and frightens me. I think that's disablist too. If I didn't have problems with my sense of balance, I wouldn't dig my claws in. So shouting because of it is mean. Again, I don't pick on her for being disabled.

Disablism - not just a human phenomenon.

Annoyingly this blog doesn't have a comments feature. If you've got something you want to say to me about this post, please leave a comment on my human's BADD post. She'll pass the message on.

I think the human is having an affair.

She came home from Universe City on Friday smelling of another cat.

How does one get covered in another cat in a lecture?

She insists it was all perfectly innocent. She went down the pub with her classmates to celebrate the end of term, and the pub cat just came and sat on her lap.

Hmmm....

I'm in a bad mood. Stomp. Strop.

The human got a new computer today. The old one worked fine, but it's something to do with the fact that she's disabled and goes to a place called "Universe City" on a Friday. I don't like her going to Universe City. She should stay at home and play with me all day. Why does she need another qualification in watching telly anyway?

Anyway, this new computer. There are cardboard boxes *everywhere*. I can't even sit on the sofa anymore. It's not right!

And the human is paying more attention to the computer than to me. I should be the centre of attention at all times, dammit! It's not like a computer is anywhere near as cute as me.

I was feeling a bit guilty about peeing in the human's bed this morning. Now however I feel totally justified. Hmph.

I will never understand humans. They are far too fickle.

One minute they're mean, the next they'll go and do something lovely.

Yesterday the human bought me a really cool Monkey. She stuffed his T Shirt full of catnip and everything and I just love him.

Then today she forced a giant tablet down my throat!

Two minutes later she's giving me human quality corned beef.

How are you supposed to deal with humans when they behave so erratically?

Sometimes you just need to annoy your human. They can do all kinds of things wrong - rolling over and going back to sleep when you need to be stroked in the middle of the night, serving your breakfast at the wrong temperature... that kind of thing.

One of the things that bothers humans the most is when you wee outside your litter tray.

Trouble is, I have that natural urge to wee in my liter tray. I just feel dirty going elsewhere.

I've found the perfect solution.

What I've worked out is that I can stand with all 4 paws in the litter tray, but squat my bum over the edge. That way I get the feeling of using my litter tray, so I don't feel all gross, but, I still actually wee on the floor so the human has to clear it up!

Try it!

Ha! I was right! The human did start cleaning.

But... she's gone insane! She has literally emptied *everything* out of the lounge and been putting down carpets and building furniture and stuff.

It's all too confusing for me.

It was fine when she started... I discovered that there was in fact a sofa underneath that mountain of crap. Oh, it was so much fun. I rolled around on it for ages like a happy little kitten. Until I fell asleep.

But, when I woke up everything had gone! Including all the stuff under the sofa! Now I've got nothing to hide behind under there!

It's sick and wrong I tell you.

The worst part is the new carpety ruggy thing smells all new. That won't do. It should smell like me. Problem is, every time I scratch at it to mark it with my scent that human shouts at me to "get my damn claws out of her new carpet."

I've found a piece of paper to sit on in the middle of the room. This place is too tidy. I'm not letting her have this piece of paper, we need some mess around. I shall not be moved!

Oh, bloody hell. The human is singing again.

This usually means she's about to start cleaning.

Chaos!

I don't like chaos!

Why can't she just sit in front of the telly like every other day?

OK, I'm an arse...

The lamb was for me! It was my birthday treat.

Apparently she (not very secretively) roasted it yesterday so it was cooked in time for me to have it for my birthday breakfast.

Nummy, nummy, nummy I've got lamb in my tummy.

Yeah, that human's pretty cool as far as humans go. Except she's now started to refer to me as "Old woman."