Rumors of My Cowardice Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

I am NOT a coward.

It is true that I jumped in the high bathroom window that I’m not allowed to jump in. It is true that this caused the window blinds to come crashing down.

I did NOT yowl in fear. I meowed in triumph. I conquered the blinds!

It is NOT true that that my male human had to rescue me from the window. He was acting as my servant and responding to MY command for the human elevator (“Going down from one high window to the floor, Jeeves”).

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

I hate being the middle cat.

I get yelled at for being “too rough” with my sisters. H. says, as their older brother, I should know better. I also get in trouble for playing “too rough” with my older brother because he’s a “senior citizen”. H. says I should have more respect for my elders.

This weekend, I thought I’d be a good big brother to my sisters by retrieving our play string from the kitchen shelves. Only instead of retrieving the play string, I retrieved the entire roll of string. H. was not happy when she came upstairs and saw the yards of string strewn across the house.

All was forgiven later that night, though. Hilda has been sick (sneezing and watery eyes) this weekend, so H. says I have to extra nice to her. I was laying in the cat bed by the hallway when Hilda came and plopped into the bed with me. It wasn’t really big enough for both of us but I was nice and shared it with her anyway (see the photo of us sharing the bed).

Big Boy Strikes Again!

I was sitting on H.'s chest yesterday morning while she was sleeping. When she woke up, she said, "I can't breath. What's on me?"

A. mumbled, "Big Boy."

I looked around and I didn't see that Big Boy anywhere! I'm starting to think that "Big Boy" might be A.'s invisible cat. How cute.

Later, while in the kitchen, H. said, "He is getting kind of big." She was staring at me but I'm sure that she was talking about Garp. She gets us confused sometimes.

My Name is Elvin…NOT Eldon!

The mystery behind the itching has been solved: Hetty Miep gave us all ringworm! Now we all have to take really yucky tasting medicine every Saturday and Sunday for a month. When H. went to get our medicine, she found out that the pharmacy got my name and Garp’s name wrong. They said my name was Eldon!

Eldon!!

My name is Elvin, dammit. Not Eldon. And not Alvin, even though my human grandmother put “Alvin” on my xmas stocking. That’s okay, though. I got kitty treats from her. The pharmacy did not give me anything good. They can call me MR. Elvin.

Pauper Portions

The other night I overheard A. whisper "He's getting to be a BI-IIIIG BOY!"

This did not make H. happy. "He's not fat! He's very solid!"

A. quickly retreated. "I didn't say he was fat--just that he's getting big. Very big."

I wonder who this big boy is and why A. and H. were both staring at me while talking about him.

I bet this big boy is getting all of my food. Lately, A. has been giving me pauper portions. Doesn't he understand that I'm going on five years old--I'm still a growing boy!

Kingpin Framed!

I'm going to have to keep a low profile around here for awhile. I'm being blamed for all sorts of ridiculous things: my sister's acne and my brother using his stomach as a chew toy. I really have no control over what they do with their bodies. Last night, A. gave me a lecture and told me that if I don't "shape up", he'll "ship" me out. Then A. got a lecture from H., who told him that he should be ashamed of himself for using such a mean tone of voice with me & that he should be soft and affectionate with me ("lead by example" were her exact words) instead of being such a braying jacka**.

Things would be a lot better around here if the other cats would stay out of my way. Never a moment to myself around here--everywhere I go, I see one. Sometimes I'll catch one of them giving me a dirty look, or thinking about giving me a dirty look, or looking a little dirty and I can't help myself. I have to pounce on them!

Hetty, the Midget Wonder

I finally got to meet the new cat this weekend. It was a little confusing because H. kept saying, "Do you want to go meet Hilda? Are you ready to meet Hetty? You're going to love Hilda, I mean Hetty." She can't seem to keep the names straight. It's like when she calls me Garp. Do we all need to wear nametags for her? I'm still not too sure about this Hetty. She looks a little like Hilda, but she's not as nice as Hilda. She only comes up to my shoulder (must be one of those midget cats I've heard about) but she seems to think she's the boss of me! I was having a good time exploring her litter box and laying in her bed, but that constant growl in the background really put a damper on things. I was a gentleman and didn't hiss or even growl back at her. H. gave me several Pounces, and she NEVER gives me treats (she's kind of stingy like that), so I guess it was worth it.

Hetty really made an ass of herself last night. I was laying in the bed, which was pressed against the cage that Hetty was in. H. decided to let Hetty out of the cage, and Hetty ran around the bed making pathetic little noises. If they were louder, I might have thought they were growls or hisses. After working herself into a frenzy, the midget ran back into the cage and attacked the side of the cage that was touching the bed. Ooooh, I'm so afraid! She did this a second time before finally getting enough nerve to run over to me, make that weird little noise again (could that be a hiss?), and swat me on the head. The entire situation was so absurd that I thought I was dreaming. I closed my eyes and dreamed of more kitty treats.

Stupid Human Tricks

I've finally recovered from my trip to the vet. The actual vet visit was fairly routine: I growled at anyone that got near my cage; I growled at them once they let me out of my cage (do you know how hard it is to growl while you're eating kitty treats? It can't be done! They fall right out of your mouth. H. and the vet laughed at me for that. I'd like to see them do better.); and I acted like a psychotic maniac when they tried to give me my shot. It took them two attempts and a towel. The assistant asked the vet if she should weigh me when they were done. H. and the vet looked at the assistant like she was crazy. Back in the car, H. said she was mortified by my behavior and that I had broken my promise to behave and why couldn't I be more like Garp. Why does she want me to act like I'm scared stupid! I told Garp before Heather took us to the vet that if we both acted crazy, they'd leave us alone. Then, we get to the vet, and his paws start sweating and he freezes up on me! They thought he was "cute".

I'm glad I embarrassed H.. She lied to me! She said it would just be a short visit and everything would be back to normal once we got home. Instead, I felt horrible the next day--so bad that I didn't even feel like eating anything! Hilda didn't even care; she tried to move in on my food until H. and A. yelled at her for "pillow" behavior. Besides not eating, I allowed H. to kiss my forehead five times without even fighting it! I couldn't help it--I felt too weak to protest. She took advantage of me. Later, she told me that she'd been worried about me all day. Serves her right too. Teach her to lie to me like that again. She said she called the vet and he said to give it 24 hours. He also told her that they would have to sedate me if she had to take me back in. Well that was all I needed to hear. I made sure that I was back to normal today. I even woke her up an hour early to feed me.