A few weeks ago, I adopted a new kitten. Olive was just nine weeks old when I brought her home, and it’s hard to say how old she is now because the weeks since I adopted her have been a blur — I’m so sleep-deprived I can’t really count days anymore.
I’ve had two kittens before, but somehow I forgot how crazy they are. Or maybe it’s just that Olive is the craziest kitten who ever existed. I’m not really sure. The important thing is that so far, I have survived life with a kitten, even though sometimes she spends the whole night trying to pounce on my face like it is one of her catnip mice.
Since I am still alive, and not bleeding too heavily, I think I can consider myself an expert, so I’ve compiled some tips for you if you too are planning on adopting a kitten.
I mean, that’s what you’re supposed to do. But did you know that kittens are really small and really fast? Does your house have rooms within rooms within rooms, maybe? That could help. You could also give up after two days and hope for the best.
Make sure there are no pieces of string or rubber bands around. Check to see if any of your plants are toxic to cats.Does your kitten like to chew on things? Mine loves to chew on things, especially cords. Accept that you cannot have electronics in your home until your kitten grows out of it. Think fondly on the days when you could watch movies or use lamps. Does your kitten like to jump into the trash can and try to eat the trash bag? Okay, no trash cans, either. Does your kitten like to eat the wicker seats on your chairs? I guess you’ll have to sit on the floor for a while. Picnics are fun!
Some people feed their kitten on a schedule. My kitten makes me follow her schedule. I know it’s time to eat when she follows me to the kitchen and then starts screaming and climbing all the way up my leg to get to the counter where the food is. If I don’t feed her then, my pants will be ruined. It is time to eat about 12 times a day.
Does your kitten bite you constantly? If she doesn’t, I kind of hate you right now. If you are currently covered in tiny adorable puncture wounds, you probably get me, especially if you have received most of them on your face around 4 a.m.
To discourage your kitten from biting, never use your hands as toys. Fact: Every single person who comes over to see your kitten will use their hands as toys, undoing all your hard work. Apparently you can also push your kitten’s head down and hiss at her when she bites you. I don’t think I’m very good at hissing because this has not worked yet.
Make sure to buy a few interactive toys. If you play with her a lot right before bed, she might nap for a few hours at night and might not wake you up until 2 a.m. Toys for her to play with on her own are also great, though kittens are pretty resourceful and might prefer things like rolls of toilet paper, socks, a piece of carrot that you dropped on the floor, and your other cat’s tail.
My kitten was 2.4 pounds when I brought her home. My best estimate is that, a few weeks later, she weighs about 60. I don’t really know what happened. It might be because she eats 12 times a day.
Why does Facebook exist? Mostly for pictures of kittens. Why does Instagram exist? One hundred percent for pictures of kittens. If your friends don’t want to see several pictures of your kitten every day, they probably don’t have souls and you’re better off without them.
These are the things you can do while your kitten is awake: Play with your kitten, feed your kitten, pet your kitten, swear at your kitten for biting you. These are the things you can only do while your kitten is asleep: Get dressed, sleep, tie shoes, write stories for Catster, clean things, cook food, eat food, read books, use a computer.
Especially when they’re sleeping and/or not trying to kill you.