What if Cats Held Office Jobs? Worst. Cubicle Mates. EVER!


For many years I worked in corporate America and sat in a little cubicle with coworkers on either side of me. It’s said that you don’t truly know someone until you live with them. That’s true, but there is something to be said for the level of intimacy that develops between coworkers who are cubicle mates. And that intimacy isn’t always the good kind.

Sometimes coworkers become so comfortable with one another that one of them steps over the line of basic office etiquette. And sometimes they’re just naturally rude. If cats worked human jobs, they’d probably possess some typically irritating workplace habits. They couldn’t care less what we think of them, anyway — why wouldn’t that translate to the office environment?

Here are five annoying habits they would probably bring to the cubicle.

1. Loud grooming

You know those coworkers who clip their nails at their desks? You know that sharp, clippy sound that indicates a fingernail is flying (hopefully) into the garbage can? Ew. Once I saw someone in a nearby cubicle swipe a deodorant stick across his underarms. Of course, it was under his shirt, but still. Ew. Can we just move all grooming to the restroom?

A cat would be the coworker who details her bottom so loudly that everyone in the adjoining department could hear the slurp-slurp-slurping. In important meetings, she’d start chewing her toes and scratching inside her ears, leaving everyone wondering if she’d brought ear mites into the office. Ew, ew.

2. Stealing food

Oh, man — this is the worst. Even well-labeled food somehow gets snagged from the community refrigerator. What boundary-crossing rat fink steals someone else’s lunch? This only happened to me once and I was devastated. It was Chinese takeout leftovers, and I was so looking forward to that garlic chicken. During inter-office conversations and meetings, I resisted the urge to sniff my coworkers’ breath. That was a bad, bad day.

Cats would take your lunch and eat it right in front of you. That’s how much they don’t give a rip. Then those flippant felines would ask if we had any soy sauce. Egregious!

3. Extended breaks

Cats don’t look at clocks and don’t bother wearing watches. They have their own internal alarm that tells them when mealtime happens, but that’s about as far as it goes. In the workplace, cats would take breaks when they felt like it, even if they were in the middle of meeting an important deadline. They’d wander off with a bag of treats and chill in a sun puddle just as long as they pleased. Maybe they’d have a nap attack and wouldn’t return to their desks for more than an hour. And of course, you’d be picking up all their slack. Typical.

4. Office supply theft

Cats have no conscience when it comes to lifting something that doesn’t belong to them. My cats love stealing my pens and batting them around on the floor. I’m certain cats would regularly raid the office supply closet. If you were to visit them in their home, you’d come face to face with a collection of ballpoint pens, paperclips and wadded up Post-it notes. And if you asked them about the items, they’d look at you as if you were crazy: “You didn’t know I collect rare and interesting paper clips from around the world?” And then they’d kick the Staples box under the sofa.

5. Talkers

Have you ever worked with someone who just doesn’t shut up? You know what I mean — you hear them coming so you pick up the phone and pretend like you’re on a call so they don’t stop and talk to you. When do these people work? And the conversations are usually about mindless topics or an invitation to dish up some office gossip. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you should not gossip in the workplace. It always gets back to the person and, anyway, why would you want to be all catty like that?

Cats are naturally catty and would be command central for the office gossip mill. A cat would eavesdrop on personal conversations, hide in the corners of elevators and perch on the tops of toilets in the bathroom. They’d be anywhere good dirt would likely be shared. And then they’d take off and blab it to anyone who’d listen. You don’t ever want to go to happy hour with a cat.

Would your cat be an awful cubicle mate? Tell us about it in the comments!

About the Author: Angie Bailey is a goofy girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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