Cats and doors have always had a contentious relationship, especially when the door is of the “closed” variety. Cats seem to always want to be on the opposite side of the door. I don’t think it would matter if there were mountains of treats and gravy fountains on their side of the door — they’d want to be on the other side. Why? Because cats.
Kitties are equally irritated with a door that’s on its way to closing because they’re suddenly confused with having to choosing a side, so they simply stand there, in the middle of the doorway, preventing us from closing the darn thing.
If we could read cats’ minds (heaven help us), here’s what I believe they’d think about this ridiculous door situation.
1. Mittens of “Texts from Mittens” and the door atrocity
Well, if there ever was an atrocity, this is it. Atrocious. This situation is atrocious, and no one even cares. Do you think that Mom will care that she accidentally closed the door while moving boxes? Of course not. The Mittens gets no respect. I suppose I could make some noise, but why should I? I need to conserve my energy because I’ll certainly die of starvation before she realizes I’m stuck in here. Plus, did I mention she was moving boxes FROM this room? The #injustice continues.
2. This isn’t happening
The door isn’t closed. This is all a figment of my imagination. The door is open, the door is open, the door is open. When I turn around, the door will no longer be closed, and all will be right with the world. 1, 2, 3 … dammit.
3. Are you blind?
Who’s blind? Raise your hand! There must be at least one blind human on the other side of this door because my paw is working overtime trying to get some attention. And if you can’t see my frantic paw, can you not at least hear the pounding as I grab the door and slam it back and forth? Surely you’re not blind AND deaf. By the way, I’m hungry.
4. Invisible doors and sorcery
This is the worst possible situation because I can see what’s on the other side of the door, but I can’t get to it! Why does this door look invisible, yet it’s not? It’s a trick created by humans who want to keep us cats on the other side! They want to torture us by showing us the glory of a world we cannot have. The teasing is outrageous! This “invisible” door is nothing short of sorcery — I’m sure of it!
5. Telekinetic powers at work
If I stare at the door long enough, it will surely open on its own. My telekinetic powers are off the charts. One time I made the dog move across the room just by giving him the stink-eye. That’s real power. If I could only harness that energy right now, this door would fly open and I’d have access to all the mysterious treasures that lie behind it. Hmm. … Okay, this might take a few minutes.
6. It’s blues meets gospel
Let me sing you the song of my people. Can you hear it? It’s bluesy with a hint of gospel because I’m sad and also praying that you’re about to free me from the bondage of this side of the door. Think “Folsom Prison Blues” meets “Take These Shackles Off My Feet.” Maybe my songs are too entertaining. Get me out of here so I can go on tour.
7. I’m offended
Well this is just offensive. You’re in the bathroom and, what? I’m not good enough to join you on that side of the door? Is it too fancy for me? Well, good for you and your high falutin’ bathroom-side-of-the-door. I don’t want to be over there anyway. Unless you’re inviting me. Are you inviting me?
8. What’s the secret handshake?
Okay, you humans do this every day. What am I missing? I’ve wrapped my paw around the door knob and I’m twisting it. I’ve watched you do this a million times. This is ridiculous. Is there a code? There must be some code or secret handshake with the door knob. How am I supposed to get to the other side of the door if I don’t know the secret handshake? Did I mention this is ridiculous? Well it is.
How do your cats react around closed doors? Share your experience in the comments!