What’s up with all these wacky superstitions surrounding cats? Cats everywhere can’t believe the nonsense! We thought it’d be only fair for us cats to chime in on the subject.
Let’s just start out with the elephant in the room, folks. Black cats are bad luck? Who decided this, and what proof do they have? Black cats are gorgeous, sleek house panthers, and what’s not lucky about that? I think we cats should create a superstition about humans. How about, “People who have blue eyes and wear stripes are unlucky?” Ridiculous, you say? Our point exactly. Carry on.
Is this that whole toxoplasmosis deal? Calm down, everybody. A pregnant woman has a greater chance of contracting this rare parasitic disease from gardening than scooping cat poop. To be absolutely safe, the Humane Society advises wearing gloves when gardening, and asking a friend or family member to help with the litter box. Are we good? All this explaining makes us hungry.
All right, we’re embarrassed to even address this superstition. Why would we steal breath from a human? We need extra breath? For our extra lives? We only lie beside infants when we want to cuddle. And the baby’s not crying. Or trying to touch us with those flailing mitts.
Is this meant to be a compliment? That cats are somehow lucky enough to escape death-defying perils and need a fresh slate of a new life? Even black cats are lucky like that? You humans are constantly contradicting yourselves. We cats have one life; however, we will accept extra meals.
Really? Here’s a history lesson for you: In the Middle Ages, many Europeans associated cats with evil. Enter the Black Plague. Naturally, cats must have been the cause of this horrific pandemic, and thus there was a widespread killing of felines. The Black Plague, however, continued to sweep through Europe. Why? The theory is that the rats were the ones who actually carried the disease and the cats, who used to keep the rodent population under control, ate the rats. Now stop blaming us.
Listen up! We groom ourselves all day long. Does that mean you’re expecting guests 24/7? Well, we are highly intelligent and maybe you’re that popular, but don’t look to us as your fortune tellers, people. Like we have time for that.
A crying cat on the rooftop means you need to rescue him from the rooftop and feed him extra treats — maybe an entire bag. You know, pain and suffering and all that.
What if he sneezes twice? You’ll get a skin rash? Once and you’ll get a hangnail? Poppycock! By the way, if you catch a cold, stay away from us. Our sneezes are cute, but yours are downright horrifying.
We hope this clears up a few things for you humans. You’re welcome.