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What Can Your Cat Do for the USA? We Ask the American Association of Patriots

School your cat on issues of abstinence, evolution, and the feline right to bear arms.

Phillip Mlynar  |  Aug 6th 2015


Do you ever look at your cat, who is probably lounging idly in a sunbeam, and see a glint in his eye that suggests he might secretly be plotting to turn the very moral fabric of this nation to shreds? Well, thankfully the American Association of Patriots is here to prevent such heinous overthrows and safeguard our future.

After the successful publication of essential treatises including How To Talk To Your Cat About Gun Safety and How To Talk To Your Cat About Evolution, the organization is building up a sterling grassroots presence across the country. Seeking to gain an insight into the association’s goals, I contacted a spokesperson for the AAP to get its side of the story. Read on and be sure to do your duty and disseminate their message.

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Image via AAP.

What makes for the perfect patriot cat?
The purrfect patriot cat is courageous, hardworking, and God fearing. It is also nice if they are a lap cat, as there is nothing better than cuddling with a happy, purring little friend after a long hard day defending our borders against the illegals.

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American cat via Shutterstock.

If someone suspects he is hosting an unpatriotic cat in his household, what steps should he take?
Despite the idiom about the difficulty of herding cats, there is no cat who has strayed so far down a path of darkness that they cannot be led back to the light. If you fear your cat is losing faith in America, there are a number of videos on YouTube of cats meowing along to the “Star Spangled Banner.” Wrap your cat in an American flag while watching some of these, and even the most jaded and unpatriotic of cats will soon forget any doubts they had.

Do you suspect any of the famous Internet cats such as Lil BUB, Grumpy Cat, and Henri le Chat Noir might be secretly plotting against the U.S.?
Lil BUB and Grumpy Cat each represent some of the things that make America great. Lil BUB is a living embodiment of the egalitarian nature of American society, that no matter the handicaps, any cat can achieve success with hard work, dedication, and a heartfelt love for God and America. Grumpy Cat, on the other hand, represents the stern, no-nonsense cattitude that is crucial in preventing our borders from being overrun by the birds of our enemies.

As far as Henri le Chat Noir, do I think he is secretly plotting against the U.S.? No. There is nothing secret about it. He is an embarrassment to cats everywhere. He openly seeks to poison their minds with despair and philosophical drivel, paralyzing the cats of America with existential angst so that they are unable to defend our country against our enemies.

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Image via AAP.

One of your pamphlets advocates a cat’s right to bear arms. What are some of the biggest mistakes cats make with their first gun?
The first and biggest mistake cats make is the assumption that just because they have a gun they have suddenly become safe. A gun is worse than useless in the paws of a poorly trained feline! Once your cat has a gun, take them to a firing range on at least a weekly basis to ensure their skills stay as sharp as their claws.

Your literature advises firing a warning shot if an enemy dog approaches. Might the offending mutt simply attempt to play fetch with the bullet and return?
This is not only possible — it’s desirable! Playing fetch with the dog could turn an enemy into a “furiend,” and America will need all the help it can get defending against the socialist monarchs of Europe and their army of human/reptilian hybrid clones.

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Cat sleeping on a sub machine gun via Shutterstock.

From the photos in your literature, it seems that many cats like to nap on a firearm. What’s the comfiest gun?
In our experience, the Barrett M28A1 is an excellent choice for cat naps. At almost five feet long it offers enough surface area for an entire household of cats to sleep comfortably, while after a day at the gun range the barrel will be nice and warm for your fluffy friend, as toasty as sleeping in a sunbeam.

From a purely feline point of view, would there be any benefits to a European-based One World Government taking over?
Make no mistake, should the Reptilian-Hapsburg conspiracy succeed in creating a One World Government, life for cats would be literally hell on Earth. It is well known that the reptilians are in alliance with birds, the natural nemeses of cats everywhere. Under a One World Government cats would be confined to tiny cages and subjugated to the cruel whims of godless, socialist birds.

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Image via AAP.

One of your pamphlets deals with feline abstinence. If someone unwittingly adopts a kitten who’s the product of premarital sex, how does the AAP recommend he or she deal with the situation?

Cats are well known for their ability to land on their feet, literally as well as metaphorically. Our research shows that it is not being born from premarital sex itself that disadvantages a kitten toward a life of crime and degeneracy, but being raised by a cat of loose morals, as one who engages in premarital sex surely is. Once your new kitten is adopted, it is your chance — and your responsibility! — to set that cat on a righteous path. Have your cat start each day with a prayer and meowing the Pledge of Allegiance, and your cat will gain a new, pawsitive outlook on life before you know it!

How can an entitled meowlennial cat change his or her life around and become a responsible, hard-working patriot?
It is never too late to enlighten your cat about the glory and impurrtance of capitalism. If you have not done so already, buy your cat a set of the complete works of Ayn Rand and read aloud from it every day. Your cat will be a purrductive member of society before you know it!

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Tactical Guard Cat via Shutterstock.

How do you persuade your cat to nap on a Bible rather than, say, an unread copy of the New Yorker magazine?
While an unread copy of the New Yorker is the only acceptable kind of copy of the New Yorker, I am not sure why it would even be in your house in the first place unless you intended to tear it up to use it for kitty litter. To keep such depraved, seditious literature where a cat could see it is as dangerous and irresponsible as leaving cat poison lying about your house.

Finally, how can a cat go about joining the AAP?
The AAP is an informal organization. There are no rolls of membership, no dues, no rites of initiation. All a cat must do to join our organization is to keep America in their heart and stand in constant vigilance, always ready to purrtect our great nation at any cost.

About Phillip Mlynar: The self-appointed world’s foremost expert on rappers’ cats. When not penning posts on rap music, he can be found building DIY cat towers for his adopted domestic shorthair, Mimosa, and collecting Le Creuset cookware (in red). He has also invented cat sushi, but it’s not quite what you think it is.