Cats are master manipulators, and it doesn’t help that I’m a giant sucker. And not just the little Dum Dum pops — I’m talking all-day sucker.
My cats have totally got me figured out, too. They know my buttons and how to relentlessly paw at them. Living with them has definitely kept me humble. Just as soon as I think — even for a second — that I’m in charge, they unapologetically bring me back down to Earth and remind me that I’m simply a subordinate.
Here are five ways my cats manage to manipulate me.
1. Listen to the paw
I love kitty paws. I even kiss them, knowing full well they’ve been tromping around in a poopy litter box. As much as I adore fuzzy feet, I’ve come to learn those tootsies are tools for masterful manipulation.
Think you’re going to close a door that separates you from your cat? Pounding paws will convince you otherwise. Along with the deranged door-thumping, you’ll also see those frantic feet slide underneath the door. “Didn’t you hear me? Here, look at my feet — look at them! Don’t you want to kiss them? Let me in or I will certainly DIE!” Of course, I let them in.
2. Look into my eyes
Cosmo is a total starecase. I can sometimes sense his apple-green eyes boring into my very core. Did you catch the apple joke? You’re welcome. If I’m cooking and he wants a treat, he stares. If I’m working and he wants to lie in my lap, he stares. He couldn’t care less that I don’t give him what he wants in that moment. He just continues staring. Like I’m playing a weird game of eye-dodgeball, I steadfastly try to avoid his stare. Eventually the intensity and guilt gets to me and I give him what he wants. Game over.
3. I’ll take that
Sometimes staring isn’t even part of the game — my self-entitled fuzzbutts just take what they want. Usually this happens when I’m working. They jump on my desk, walk all over my stuff, and then force themselves into my lap. No matter I can no longer type or reach important paperwork. They settle in and start purring. Think I can move them? I’ve learned to type in the most un-ergonomic positions.
4. It’s my bag, baby
Cats have a bag-thing. Even if a bag is zipped, my kitties will lie on top of it. Setting a bag on the floor is like a Siren’s song to felines; they are powerless. Oftentimes, I’m ready to head out somewhere and notice a cat lying on or in my bag. They look so comfy and cute, so I let them snooze a while longer and I watch them. I love nothing more than arriving late to an appointment with the excuse, “My cat was sleeping in my bag and I wanted to watch her for 15 or 30 minutes.”
5. This was yours?
You know when you leave your seat for a couple of minutes, only to return and see it’s been totally jacked by your cat? It happens every day at my house. They are like little David Copperfields. I turn by back for 30 seconds and suddenly they’ve appeared in my chair, acting like they’ve been there the whole while. “Ta-da! And for my next trick, I’ll make your turkey sandwich disappear!”
Most of the time, I feel completely heartless if I move the chair-jacker. Isn’t that something? Do you think the jacker feels any remorse whatsoever? Ha. That’s a good one. I think I’m definitely their favorite flavor of sucker.
How do your cats manipulate you? Tell us about it in the comments!
About the Author: Angie Bailey is a weird girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Wrote a ridiculous humor book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.
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