Editor’s note: This story originally appeared in the November/December 2015 issue of Catster print magazine. Click here to subscribe to Catster magazine.
Typically, my cat Stella is afraid of nothing — except for things such as doorbells and visitors and the ding of the toaster oven. However, she goes on alert when she sees a dog. She might not be afraid of them, but I don’t think she likes them — she seems baffled by them. So, to learn more, I asked her about dogs.
Me: So, what do you really think of dogs?
Stella: What are those?
Dogs? They’re dogs. You know — dogs.
Wait, you mean those drooling bags of saliva? You should have just said that. “Half-wit zombie things” would also work. Also “mush-brained yes-men.” Not my thing, frankly.
You’re not a fan of dogs.
You’ve noticed they eat poop.
Well, coprophagia affects just a small percentage of dogs. It’s hardly a reason to disparage the whole species.
They also chase cars. They get right next to the wheels and like … bite them.
Well, that’s mostly instinctual. Many dogs were originally hunters.
So were cats, but you don’t see me trying to take down a mail truck.
I’ve seen you eat a moth.
That happened once.
The look on your face, though.
At least I have the good sense to only eat things you can eat. I’ve never eaten a shoe, for instance. Or spackling paste. Or an oven mitt — all regular food groups for dogs, mind you. The food pyramid of a dog includes, like, everything in the world.
I saw you eat tinsel once.
I was flossing!
Fine. Any other reasons you think you’re better than a dog?
Of course. How hard is pooping? I have a box, you have a bowl, but the dog thinks he has … the world. Even the kitchen floor. Even the bed!
That is a tough one.
And what’s with all the neediness? When you come back from the store, I don’t jump all over you like you just got back from the war. To be honest, I can barely raise my head after you’ve been at work all day.
That makes me sad, actually.
You’ll survive. And if anybody can explain fetching to me, I’ll give them a medal.
Again, that’s like hunting. Like when I turn on the laser light and …
I’M GONNA GET THAT LIGHT ONE DAY!
No, Stella, you’re not.
I’m this close, pal.
Could all this hostility toward dogs really be about the fact that dogs, you know, chase and bark at you sometimes?
What? Why on Earth would you think that?
Because they chase and bark at you sometimes.
That must be some other cat. I run from nobody.
Let’s change track: Do you think there’s anything good about dogs?
Oh, sure. I love how you have to put them on a leash. God, they must hate that.
Read more about Stella:
About the author: Catster.com contributing editor Michael Leaverton has written a wide variety of articles in the last 10 years, very few of which after consulting with his cat. That ends here. Stella is a 10-year-old Bengal with a firm editorial grip on her handler, whom she rescued from an alt weekly in San Francisco many meals ago. She likes it when he writes about chicken. They currently live in San Diego.