Here’s a fun game I play when I feel like I want to conquer the world: Take your dominant hand and put it in front of your face. See that glorious thumb that’s probably hanging off of the end there? Really consider that son of a gun. Know who doesn’t have one of those bad boys? Your beloved pet cat you vowed to take care of, that’s who.
It’s high time we came up with a handful (heh) of simple products to help our thumb-deprived feline friends. To be clear, this is not a scam I’ve devised to bleed you of all your money so I can buy a new pair of winter boots. No no no. It’s not that at all. Keep that in mind as I humbly present to you my awe-inspiring ideas for products that don’t exists for cats, but definitely should.
1. A device to morph strangers into gargoyles
Allow me to set the stage: Your cat is lounging around your home, minding her own business, when you return with a friend because your meaningless life is an easier pill to swallow when it’s filled with the warmth of another human. There’s a catch! Your cat hates strangers, you goon!
For this invention, all the disturbed animal has to do is push an adorable skull and crossbones-shaped button and, POOF! Your house guest is instantly turned a beautiful gothic statue. These statues can then be used as garden decorations, spooky coat racks, or as partners for those who’d like some company (see “meaningless life” above) but who aren’t entirely ready for the pressure of a real human relationship. The list of purposes goes on and on, though, ultimately, its use is up to your cat.
2. A mood-sensitive repeller collar to “create space”
Think you know when your cat wants to snuggle and when your cat needs space? Of course you don’t, you weird gargoyle hoarder. Buy this product! This collar is a lot like a mood ring, except instead of being ugly and useless, it creates a cozy, cat-friendly force field to push unwanted companions away. This keeps cats happy and the whole family scratch free.
3. A human suit to wear to city council meetings
Gee golly, do cats sure have their fair share of opinions. Unfortunately, because of some legal malarkey that’s too complicated to cover here, cats don’t really have a say in public policy matters. Disguises for felines interested in participating in said matters can be tricky. Two obvious reasons to ditch the old method of covering a stack of cats with a trench coat are 1) it’s not super enjoyable for the cats at the bottom of the stack, and 2) it’s difficult for undercover cats to participate in crucial policy-making activities such as “Raise your [human] hand to indicate ‘aye.’”
Worry not! While we’ve got to keep this invention on the down-low, the market for human suits to wear to city council meetings is absolutely huge. Cats get a chance to be heard. More jobs are created for American humans. (Real humans, not the human-suit humans. They can’t work, they are just human suits.) Everyone wins, right?
4. A laser gun with various settings
- Punish Humans Who Touch Cat Bellies: Cats do not want to be touched here. Do it and prepare to be laser-beamed.
- Punish Humans Not Paying Adequate Attention to Cats: This “I need to work to earn money to buy cat food” guise is getting tired, humans. The cats vote? Laser it to smithereens.
- Punish Humans Who Use Laser Pointers as Toys: Come on. They’ve figured out that you’re messing with them. Here’s a laser for payback.
- Celebration: Lasers needn’t be used exclusively for evil, you monsters! Let’s throw a kitty rave! Beam up, y’all.
5. Feline flying cars
The Jetsons is a heartbreaking lie-machine that I will never forgive for dangling the dream of the flying car in my face, and then eliminating it as swiftly as a cat with a laser gun. Scientifically speaking (trust me, I know little to nothing about science, but I’m a cat author, so, hey), flying cars might not be practical for humans. But what about cats? I think that the real difference here is the weight difference between cats and people. Think of it this way: How much do cats weight? Somewhere around 10 pounds? Now, again, I’m no scientist, but it seems like humans weigh more than 10 pounds. Do you see where I’m going with this?
6. A car-wash-style cat washer made of cat tongues
A man works from sun to sun, but a woman’s work is never done. And speaking of never done, oh, sweet Lucifer, why won’t my cat stop licking herself while I’m trying to sleep?
This popular saying is from 20th-century America. (Okay, it’s an approximation.)
Licky licky licky licky licky licky — all at once. Cat tongue by Shutterstock
The solution for this licky aggravation? Something that might be called the Clean-a-Cat-2015. The innovative device would give cats the deep clean they require without that awful, slurping noise that makes you cringe and lose sleep and drink more and wonder things like, “Did I ever really love my wife?” or “Are cannibals kind of right?” and weep throughout night after night (after night) — all without compromising the sandpapery tongue feeling that cats crave.
Those are my genius ideas. Contact me via Twitter to offer me lots of money for the patents of these amazing creations. Share your own ideas in the comments too.
Read more by Laura Jaye Cramer
- My Cat Judges Me for These 4 Daily Needs
- My Cat Rescues Me — From These 5 Really Tense Situations
- “Cats” Made Me Despise Musical Theater — And Love It
About the author: Laura Jaye Cramer is a freelance writer and ballet dancer based out of San Francisco. When she isn’t busy tending to her sweet little cat baby, she can be found drooling over artifacts in a museum, building a shrine to Dolly Parton, or eating a trough of guacamole. Stalk her on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.