Many of us begin the new year by creating a list of resolutions — which last at least until January 27.
All (mostly) kidding aside, the new year feels like a clean slate, right? It makes sense to dream and set goals, and why wouldn’t cats want to do the same thing? They’d probably change their minds about a dozen times, but we’ve come to expect nothing less from our fuzzy little kings and queens of indecision. Here are 10 Mew Year’s resolutions cats would make.
The blasted red dot! How many hours of a cat’s nine lives are spent trying to capture that elusive laser? It moves so quickly and erratically, which makes kitties even more determined to catch the thing. They probably sit in their cat condos on New Year’s Eve, shaking their tiny fisted paws in the air, thinking “Curse you, red dot! Next year, you will be mine!”
Cats are way more creative than we think, and they’re always looking for new ways to express themselves. Really, are any two pieces of shredded toilet paper “art” the same? A cat who may only shred a few squares might decide to go totally abstract, randomly tossing pieces of an entire roll about the bathroom, creating a full-blown installation. Next year, kitty’s going big or going home.
And by “do,” they mean “sleep on.” A pile of warm laundry is a cat’s happy place, and we all want more joy in our lives. Humans, take notice: Kitty’s planning for more fluff and less fold beginning promptly on Jan. 1.
That horribly loud creature that rolls through the house needs to be taken down in the new year. How? Cats haven’t come up with a plan yet but will be hiding in the linen closet until they hatch one. Please send treats.
Pen caps are better than any store-bought cat toy. They’re full of slide-y goodness and come in a variety of colors and sizes! Every new year, cats vow to start collecting these caps; however, one by one, the caps wind up swatted underneath furniture. How is one supposed to build a collection when there’s nothing to collect? Next year, cats will be more careful while swatting and also hope their humans will finally move the sofa to clean, revealing a cornucopia of caps. It’d be like a Vegas slot machine win and Christmas all rolled up into one.
Like many humans, cats desire obtaining higher education. Humans usually mean college, while cats are referring to higher levels of household surface. They’d resolve to finally get on that kitchen counter and learn how the bagels that mock them from on high taste. They’d look forward to exploring the top of the dresser, studying the swat-ability of various baubles. Oh, and there’s another part of this resolution: “… and not get caught.”
A popular New Year’s resolution humans make is to break a bad habit. Cats may resolve to cut the catnip, but as soon as those sweet leaves make an appearance, that promise will probably be in the rearview mirror. On second thought, cats probably shouldn’t even try to kick the
catnip habit in the first place. Scratch that.
Cats are master manipulators and, most times, we humans are putty in their little paws. Many cats have tried the “pretend like I never had a first breakfast so I can get a second one” trick, but humans are hip to this particular strategy. In the new year, cats would devise a fresh plan to outsmart their people and finally secure the elusive second breakfast.
“Tiny house living” has been a popular trend with humans who are looking to live minimally and leave a smaller footprint. Cats would jump on this bandwagon by trying to fit themselves into progressively tinier boxes, taking “If I fits, I sits” to a whole new level.
Thumbnail: Photography ©101cats | Getty Images.
Editor’s note: This article originally appeared in Catster magazine. Have you seen the new Catster print magazine in stores? Or in the waiting area of your vet’s office? Click here to subscribe to Catster and get the bimonthly magazine delivered to your home.
Angie Bailey, an award-winning writer, podcaster and humorist, is the author of Texts From Mittens and creator of the Paws Rewind: Gen X + Cats podcast.