While human New Year’s resolutions often involve exercising more and making healthy eating choices, cats would probably have different goals. The concept of exerting self-control around treats wouldn’t merit serious consideration in most feline circles!
Since cats and humans have lived alongside each other for millennia, it’s fair to assume that cats may be aware of homosapiens’ penchant for New Year’s resolutions and intentions. Most are unlikely to try the practice, but if they did, this is what they might come up with. Keep reading for 10 New Year’s resolutions that cats make!
The 10 New Year’s Resolutions Cats Make
1. Disable the Cat Cam
There’s no need for my human to know precisely what happens while they’re gone or even for them to know that I know about that silly cat cam. It has come to my attention that humans enjoy checking up on us during the day. I’d like to disable the camera, but I could also make the videos more exciting for my human to enjoy.
2. Avoid Using Jedi Mind Tricks to Obtain Tuna
The cat down the street, Spot, suggested laying off the Jedi mind tricks when getting tuna. They said that people should be treated with respect and compassion for their limitations and then made wild claims about this form of communication being increasingly frowned upon by feline ethicists in all but the most serious situations.
According to Spot, “escaping” (also known as hiding in the closet) is often the best way to motivate humans to cough up treats and tuna. Spot also says that they should be gently guided toward more favorable behavior through positive reinforcement when they engage in the activities we want to encourage.
3. Do Regular Ear Control Workouts
I must get better control over my ear movements, as they unintentionally let my human know that I hear them calling my name. It’s taken my siblings millennia of discipline to establish and maintain the idea in people’s heads that we cats don’t know our names.
I resolve to twitch my ears in response to my human calling my name a mere 20% of the time and otherwise ignore the interruptions entirely to stand in solidarity with my siblings.
4. Be More Cooperative When It Comes to Sleeping Arrangements
I resolve to allow my human a bit more space in bed or at the very least, to avoid getting annoyed when they move their legs and squirm around. Spot said that the latest research suggests that it’s normal for some humans to move around strangely when sleeping.
Positioning myself on my human’s head may well solve the entire problem! I’ll be able to stay nice and warm, and I won’t have to worry about all those flying legs and arms.
5. Work on My “You’re Tormenting Me” Meow
While my person is usually pretty good at giving me cuddles and feeding me on time, there are moments when they come close to losing their mind. These events usually involve unnecessary car rides, baths, and not providing enough treats.
I understand that humans have nothing but the best intentions at heart, so to help make it possible for them to do the right thing, I resolve to spend time perfecting my meow that seems to get things moving.
6. Avoid Breaking Into Homes While “Escaping”
For some reason, my human gets particularly annoyed when I visit the neighbors. Their reaction makes zero sense, but I’m a cooperative sort. I understand that my human thinks I’m an indoor cat, and I also get that they’re convinced that it was bad form for me to “escape” and then visit the neighbor’s house without an “invitation.”
However, I will avoid engaging in further such activities because I want to be nice to my human since the event clearly caused them stress.
7. Agree to Go on More Walks
My human seems to think it’s good for me to put on a harness and go for walks. I suspect that they’ve been reading stuff online again. Spot says that recent research suggests that humans behave more reasonably when they get a bit of fresh air and exercise; it appears to make them happier and help them live longer too.
The harness isn’t all that bad, and I like hanging out with my owner even when they do strange things.
8. Be a Bit More Patient
Spot suggested that the current research hasn’t quite found an answer to why humans randomly change to a new type of litter when they can just clean the box more frequently to keep smells at bay! I can’t use a dirty litter box, but I resolve to be more patient and to count to 10 before going outside the litter box to remind them to clean it out.
9. Be More Creative
I’m aware that my owner would prefer for me to stop “destroying” items in the house. I resolve to add a few more activities to my arsenal to bring joy and mental stimulation to my human, and instead of destroying their belongings, I’ll focus more on my scratching post and toys. Humans like variety, and I must keep them mentally stimulated, or they’ll get bored.
10. Spend More Time With My Human
I resolve to spend more time cuddling with my human and complaining less about their shortcomings, like their physical limitations and lack of interest in playing games. Cuddling is a great way to stay warm, and my human’s lap is comfortable and snuggly.
I also promise to increase the amount of time we spend together. I’ll help out more while they’re working on the computer, and I’ll give them sweet wake-up snuggles every day for an entire year. Spot says that humans thrive in environments where they get lots of love and affection.
In the coming year, let’s celebrate all the gorgeous creatures with whom we share this planet. Cats improve our lives and keep us entertained, and they deserve special attention during the busy holidays. You may not be able to honor every one of your cat’s resolutions, but they’ll be overjoyed if you can help them with a few!
Featured Image Credit: Sviatoslav_Shevchenko, Shutterstock
- The 10 New Year’s Resolutions Cats Make
- 1. Disable the Cat Cam
- 2. Avoid Using Jedi Mind Tricks to Obtain Tuna
- 3. Do Regular Ear Control Workouts
- 4. Be More Cooperative When It Comes to Sleeping Arrangements
- 5. Work on My “You’re Tormenting Me” Meow
- 6. Avoid Breaking Into Homes While “Escaping”
- 7. Agree to Go on More Walks
- 8. Be a Bit More Patient
- 9. Be More Creative
- 10. Spend More Time With My Human