In general, my cats aren’t always mindful of where they place those pretty little paws. I know they have (mostly) no idea what kind of havoc their tromping can wreak, but that doesn’t stop their pussycat parades. Sometimes it feels like they’re doing it just to spite us.
Sometimes I’ll see Phoebe walking across my dresser and our eyes will meet. Then she’ll lift a dainty white mitt and knock a knickknack to the ground … and look at me again: “Did you see that? What are you gonna do about it?” I’ll walk over, pick her up, and place her on the floor and she’ll walk away, glancing back at me: “You know I’ll be back.” Yes, I’m certain she will, and we’ll go through the whole dance of destruction all over again.
Although there are endless places my cats are allowed to hang out, here are six spots I definitely don’t want them walking across.
1. Full bladder
Cats have more than a sixth sense. They have a seventh sense … and it’s all about knowing when a human’s bladder is about to pop. They use this information against us, usually to “encourage” us to drag our lazy butts out of bed and feed them. At least that’s what happens in my house.
It’s the weekend and I’m trying to squeeze in a few more minutes of shuteye, or perhaps enjoy slowly allowing my body to awaken. My cats have no time for this. As soon as they see me stir, they assume they’re now in charge of my schedule. They’re such micromanagers! Occasionally they try and control me before I even show any signs of consciousness. They know I can usually ignore the persistent mews, but a stroll across my full bladder makes me sit up in bed faster than awakening from a bad dream about snakes … or Miley Cyrus’ tongue (get your mind out of the gutter).
2. TV remote control
Over the years, TV remote controls have gotten supercomplicated. A few years ago, we switched to DISH and suddenly I was holding this giant remote control that looked as foreign as what you’d find on the deck on the Starship Enterprise. I’m still figuring out some of the functions.
You see, the thing about fancy remote controls is that if you press a certain combination of buttons, you screw up everything. And then you have to sit on hold with customer service for three hours, waiting for them to diagnose the problem and walk you through reprogramming everything. Cats are born knowing this certain combination of buttons.
My cats want me to keep them top of mind at all times. If I don’t make them my No. 1 priority, they’ll take action to change that situation immediately. That means if I’m typing — I work from home, so that’s quite often — they walk across my laptop keyboard.
Sure, it’s kind of cute, but when kitty toes press keys that somehow delete everything I’m been working on, the cuteness wears thin … like old-school Kate Moss thin.
4. Kitchen counter
Saffy is really the only one of my three who can’t keep her paws off the counter. She knows it’s off limits, but she appears to get high off the danger because she continues the behavior. Even when she sees me heading toward her, she frantically starts looking for something she can eat or destroy. You know, so the whole visit to the counter wasn’t all for naught.
5. Dresser or nightstand
“My name is Phoebe and I enjoy chicken-flavored treats, sun puddles and long walks across the dresser.” That cat lives for two things: stealing tape or anything sticky and knocking items off of elevated surfaces. She especially fancies my dresser and nightstand because there are so many “pretties” sitting atop them. In fact, I’ve had to close the lid on my jewelry box because she’d become quite the jewel thief (and by “jewels,” I mean plastic rings and earrings purchased at Target).
And like I previously mentioned, she’ll stare right into my eyes and swipe an item right onto the floor. The cat has no shame and a penchant for shiny objects.
What don’t you want your cat walking across? Tell us about it in the comments!
About the Author: Angie Bailey is a goofy girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.
Read more by Angie Bailey:
- 5 Email Scams, As Invented by Cats
- 5 Parts of Cat Anatomy That Crack Me Up
- My 6 Favorite Things I Saw at the Minneapolis Cat Video Festival
- My Cats Are Addicts: 5 Reasons They Would Land in Rehab
- 5 Ways My Cats Look Like Food
- 5 Ways I Suffer Physically to Appease My Cats
- Do You Kiss Your Cat on the Lips? Um, I Do!