How to Work It So You Get Gravy from Your Humans Every Time
Humans believe a bunch of crazy things. They believe it’s more important to be smart and to have thumbs than it is to be adorable. They think they own cats, when it's actually the other way around. But the most ridiculous thing about humans is that they seem to think we don’t care about our humans or their feelings. That’s simply not true.
The truth is that our humans provide us with toys, food, and scritchies. We care about our humans because paying attention to a human’s mood is key to optimizing your ROA (return on affection).
People are our investments. We give them love, by which I mean “cat hair.” We give them affection, by which I mean “opportunities to give us scritchies.” We also give them companionship, by which I mean “opportunities to give us food and shelter.”
But good humans don’t merely provide food and shelter. They're a kitty’s companions. They scratch behind our ears and give us toys to play with. They give us armrests to lounge on. They clear off chairs for us to sleep in. But optimized human relationships give us so much more. Working your ROA can lead to even greater rewards, like blankies that match your fur, or cardboard to scratch.
A truly optimized human relationship can also pay off in extra side gifts, cool tissue paper to tear up, and even wrapped presents of your own when they buy gifts for each other.
Last year, I ran a long con/experiment where I would eat too much kibble and then throw up. I made sure that I always did it somewhere my humans would immediately find it. Eventually, they decided this required a trip to the vet, which I hated and resented. The vet decided I was probably allergic to something in my food and suggested that my humans try this lousy canned food with no gravy.
I had to subsist on that for three or four days, so I made sure my humans knew how unhappy I was. There was a lot of helpless mewing and sad eyes. A smart kitty never suffers in silence. She makes sure that her humans suffer twice for every one of her indignities.
This is why it’s important to pay attention to your humans and watch their emotional states. Like today, Daddy (which, as far as I can tell, means “male slave” in human) came home from work and seemed a bit down. So I didn’t hit him up for dinner like I usually do when he first gets home. Instead, I played it cute. I walked up and started rubbing up against his leg instead. I could have played the needy kitty and gotten gravy immediately, but I went for the nice kitty game.
“Why would I do that?” you might ask. Three words: Free. Daddy. Scritchies. I got the scritchies I wanted, and then, when I was ready for the gravy, I looked him in the eyes and gave a single, questioning “Mew?” BAM! Kitty got fresh gravy! So, you see, when I exploit my human’s need to feel loved, I get what I love: gravy.
This is really basic stuff every cat should know. This is also how we know we’re smarter than dogs. Dogs would never understand this stuff. Dogs are too servile. If a dog is out of food, he’s going to think that humans must have a plan that requires him to go hungry. If a cat is out of food, we know that it’s time to punish our humans.
And we all know how to punish humans. I prefer strategic pooping, but if you're uncomfortable pooping in a shoe, I recommend using your claws instead. Scratching cardboard is loud and annoying and wrecks the cardboard you’re scratching. Other alternative targets include scarves, carpet, furniture, and formalwear. If you hear your humans talking about a “vacation,” “job interview,” or “wedding,” these are almost all human words for “opportunity to wear special clothes." And special clothes bring special targets.
Some kitties may not want to go straight to permanent damage. Maybe you believe in a little restraint, or maybe you’ve been declawed. In those cases, you can always roll around on nice clothes or furniture, planting a potentially lethal hair bomb for your human, who may not notice until interview or wedding day. Serves your humans right for putting their dry cleaning before your food. Just remember: “Bad kitty!” is human for “Give me sad eyes until I start petting you.” This is a great time to rub up against your human and deposit even more fur.
Because being a cat means never having to say “I’m sorry.”