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6 Cats Who’ve Abandoned Their New Year’s Resolutions

Stay off the table? Stop stealing chow? Cut the snark? Cats had no chance of reaching these goals.

Angie Bailey  |  Jan 25th 2017


Many of us begin a new year by creating resolutions that we hope will improve certain aspects of our lives.We all start out with the best intentions. This is going to be the year of ME! Not to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but a lot of us stray off course before Feb. 1 rolls around … and that’s a generous estimation.

I’m not throwing all the “other people” under the bus or anything, because I’m guilty of poor follow-through as well. One of my resolutions was to cut down on sugar. Guess what I just ate: two Pop Tarts. I don’t buy them by the box, mind you. The thing is, there’s this vending machine in my apartment building …

Cats are no better than humans when it comes to breaking resolutions. Here are six kitties who’ve already given up on their good intentions.

1. Stop lying on the table

"Totally worth it."

“Totally worth it.” Photo via Flickr

Okay, human. I heard you yap about this whole, “get off the table” business for practically my entire life. To be honest, I was tired of being hassled about it and decided to — once and for all — “get off the table.” I mean, how bad could it be? Maybe the table wasn’t all that great anyway, and I just didn’t know the difference. Plus, if you wanted so badly for me to remove myself from that particular surface, maybe it was full of unknown dangers. Who knew? Anyway, I was prepared to give up my tabletop lounging, but then I saw the magazine laying right there — in the middle of the no-no zone. How could I possibly look past an opportunity to park myself on top of a magazine? So what if it’s on the table? Totally worth it.

2. Stop being a slug

"Not changing a thing."

“Not changing a thing.” Photo via Flickr

Sure, I thought I could muster a little more energy this year and stop making a career out of pure laziness. I have no idea what I was thinking. Carry on.

3. Stop stealing food

"PIZZA."

“PIZZA.” Photo via Flickr

Here’s the deal: I’d love to keep my paws off your food, and I know you want the same thing, but you’ve gotta stop leaving your chow sitting around, especially pizza. I’m a cat, and my instincts tell me to help myself to whatever’s on your plate. Plus, pizza. Anyway, you’re supposed to share with those you love, right? I’m just trying to be fair here. And, pizza.

4. Let you make the bed without any “help”

"The resolution was never meant to be."

“The resolution was never meant to be.” Photo via Flickr

I truly wish I could allow you to change the bed sheets without my intervention. I want you to have a stress-free bed-making experience. I don’t enjoy hearing you use bad words while I stretch out on top of the bare mattress as you’re attempting to place the fitted sheet. Who am I kidding? I love all of it, and my resolution to stop was a joke from the very beginning.

5. Avoid the snark

"Maybe the snark suits me."

“Maybe the snark suits me.” Photo via Flickr

I tried — I really did. I wanted to avoid looking snarky because it was a challenge, and I love a good challenge. I spent most of New Year’s Day sleeping because then I wouldn’t have to focus on looking chipper. Then I woke up and it happened: My human called me “Cranky Pants.” My resolution was all for naught. My efforts were useless. I suppose I should embrace the snark because it’s obviously not going anywhere. You can, however, stop calling me “Cranky Pants” any time now. Also, I’d like a treat for my troubles.

6. Lose weight

"I have a cheese request."

“I have a cheese request.” Photo via Flickr

Was I supposed to lose weight? I don’t remember that resolution at all. Are you certain about that? I think you made that one up. Oh, hey — can you buy aged cheddar next time you’re at the store? This cheap stuff is for the birds. But don’t give it to the birds. I’ll eat it if I have to. 

Has your cat broken any of his or her New Year’s resolutions? Tell us about it in the comments!