If you think your cat doesn’t know anything about art, you might be wrong. I certainly was!
Stella, this won’t make sense, but the food you scattered around your bowl last night looks a bit like the Mona Lisa.
Nah, the smile isn’t right.
You know the Mona Lisa?
I must’ve redone her expression 50 times. You know how hard it is to get “enigmatic” across in cat kibble?
Wait — you did that on purpose?
Of course. And it’s about time you noticed my artwork.
Your artwork? Since when?
Ever since I was a kitten. Surely you remember my Hairballs on Linoleum installations of the early aughts?
That was art? We went to the doctor for that! I thought you were dying!
They were pretty abstract.
They were horrific! You coughed up hairballs in the kitchen for weeks. We got an X-ray. We switched you to prescription food!
And you must remember my shock-art phase, with the skeleton dioramas left on the back porch.
That was you? I called the police!
I was going through a dark phase.
I accused the neighbor boys!
And that led to a little cooling off period with the litter mandalas.
Litter mandalas? Was that when you used to kick your —
Oh, how many nights I spent creating those cosmic diagrams.
Diagrams? You just flung litter all over the floor!
Oh, please. Did Jackson Pollock just “fling” paint all over the canvas?
Wait — does your art have something to do with the jelly-on-the-couch incident of 2014?
My finest work. You just smeared jelly all over my couch! I tripled its value. Too bad I live with a philistine.
Man, Stella. If you wanted to do art why didn’t you just ask me for paints?
I work with the materials I have. And there’s the fact that I can’t hold a brush.
So, are there any other artworks I should know about?
Have you seen the back of the recliner lately?
Don’t worry, you’ll love it. It’s like I merged Cubism with deconstruction, all with my nails. I’m really very good.
Why can’t you be a normal cat?
Hey, you wanted a Bengal. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to begin my blue period. You’d better stay out of the bathroom for a while.
Thumbnail: Photography ©Ian Dagnall / Alamy Photo (Mona Lisa).
Eleven-year-old Stella, a Bengal, has a firm grip on her handler, freelance writer Michael Leaverton, whom she rescued from an alt weekly many meals ago. They live in San Diego.
Editor’s note: This article originally appeared in Catster magazine. Have you seen the new Catster print magazine in stores? Or in the waiting area of your vet’s office? Click here to subscribe to Catster and get the bimonthly magazine delivered to your home.
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