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How to Plan a Romantic Date for (or With?) Your Cat

Missed Valentine's Day? No problem! Well, okay, problem -- this date might be just you and kitty.

Michael Leaverton  |  Feb 25th 2014

Valentine’s Day came and went, and we didn’t even post a sarcastic article on how to help your cat woo his or her sweetheart and plan a fun, romantic date!

We remedy that now. Here are a bunch of bullets points, in no particular order (really), about how to plan the perfect date for your cat.

  • First, find another cat for the date. What about that cute tabby across the street your cat has his eye on?
  • And by “eye on,” we mean “glaring at and puffing his tail whenever she appears in the window.”

  • Fix a nice romantic dinner, nothing too elaborate — maybe a lasagne? Garfield likes lasagne.
  • You can also prepare a quail quiche and a steak, if you’re coming over to my house soon.
  • Don’t put any tomatoes in it; because cats hate tomatoes. I do, too, coincidently.
  • They also sell bags of precooked grilled chicken in the refrigerated section of your local store for $3.47, right next to the bulk thighs, or so I’ve heard.
  • Hell, just look for a can that says “salmon” on it and open it.
  • For drinks, just turn on the bathtub faucet and run.
  • Just kidding, you don’t have to run.

  • As for romance, nothing says romance like crinkle balls
  • Actually, nothing says romance like feather wands.
  • To be honest, nothing says romance like Zappos boxes.
  • Or any boxes.
  • Maybe grocery bags.
  • Oh, who the hell knows.
  • Now, pick out some romantic music. Depending on your age, that could be anything. Bach? Steely Dan? Uh, Slipknot.
  • Actually, let’s skip the romantic music.

  • Now, get your kitty in the mood for … whatever (I really don’t know because your cat is fixed of course) … by offering him a catnip cigar.
  • And maybe some dried catnip leaves sprinkled on a scratching post.
  • And how about a pouch of catnip — keep it simple.
  • Okay, so I guess what you’re really doing here is throwing a drug party?
  • Put away all the catnip.

  • Remind your kitty how to woo a lady. No scratching biting hissing spitting.
  • Or cursing screaming whining crying.
  • Or pleading scheming barfing farting.
  • Or singing.

  • Now, have you asked the neighbor across the street to bring her kitty over? Do so now.
  • Try again — maybe she didn’t understand you correctly.
  • Did you use the phrase, “Would your kitty like to go on a date at my house?” like I told you to? Get back over there, Cupid!
  • Huh, she really said that?
  • Let me think a moment.
  • You know, you could just steal the kitty.
  • Sorry, that was wrong of me.
  • Huh.
  • Maybe a guide to cats dating was not a good idea after all.

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