Cats aren’t typically shy about letting us know how they feel about any given situation. And most times, they don’t even have to mutter a single mew. Felines are masters of stink-eye and, believe me, we know when things are getting smelly.

What if cats could drive? If they did, I guarantee their car bumpers would be plastered with funny and sassy stickers. Don’t you think?

What sorts of messages would those opinionated cats convey with their bumper stickers? I have some ideas.

1. Empty food bowl awareness

Sometime cats think we are completely inattentive to their needs and desires. Or we’re just blind. It matters not if dinner is two hours away, an empty food dish is a glaring message to FEED ME NOW. And yes, there may be a few kibbles or clumps of food present inside the bowl, but it’s still not full. To cats, not full = empty. Kitties hope to visually nudge thoughtless humans with this bumper sticker.

2. Show me your licker license

My cats spend a half-hour bathing and a good part of that time is spent butt licking. I know they are painstakingly clean animals, but how clean does a bottom need to be? The process must be more that just wiping away remnants of poo — it has to be a really excellent time, too. That’s why, at any given moment, they’d rather be licking their own butts. And they don’t care who knows it.

3. Honor roll, schmonor roll

Cats are sick to death with our “My kid’s an honor roll student” bumper stickers. How could they not respond with something sarcastically delicious? They also want to yak all over your stick-people family.

4. Basket love

Cats aren’t always snarky — occasionally they have a lighter message to share with the world. Like flaunting their love of the almighty laundry basket! A basket of warm laundry does in fact transport cats … straight to nirvana.

5. Taking a brake

Cats would never, ever run over something as precious as a hair elastic. Now way, no how. And even though a hair elastic in the middle of the road may not be a common sighting to us humans, cats just want us to know how much they love these things. I suppose if you’d read this far, you’ve bought into the idea of cats driving cars, so asking you to imagine a bunch of hair elastics lying in the road isn’t much of a stretch now, is it?

6. Political shout-outs

Political stickers blanket bumpers, especially during the election season. Cats desire solid leadership and have strong viewpoints on issues that are important to them. They know cats like Lil Bub will fight for equal rights for ferals and the removal of doors from all homes. “Sick of The Man bringing you down? Vote Lil Bub.”

7. Hobbies!

Cats are always looking to connect with others who have similar interests. Bumper stickers let them be loud and proud about their hobbies and other activities. I know my cats would definitely have this sticker. Phoebe spends extended periods of time staring at moths flitting around light fixtures. Another popular moth-themed sticker is, “I’m MOTHing Without You!”

8. I heart stuff

Cats know what they love, and they want us to know it, too. When I see “I Heart …” bumper stickers on humans’ cars, I always think, “Boy, they must really love _________.” I think this because they had to first see the sticker and think to themselves, “Hey! This is totally me and I want everyone driving behind me to know I heart _________!” I’m not judging, either. I’ve sported bumper stickers on my car and have hearted lots of __________.

I think this is a good one because I seriously heart TP. Cats aren’t the only ones who enjoy a tidy behind.

What would your cat’s bumper sticker say? Tell us in the comments!

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