With World Cup fever sweeping the globe, I got to thinking about a very pressing issue concerning the tournament in Brazil: Which teams would various Internet-famous cats be rooting for? So, putting issues of pesky patriotism to the side, I formulated a scientifically irrefutable guide to working out why Lil BUB would be cheering on Argentina and what makes Sockington want to don an Italy jersey. Behold!
The football hipster is, alas, a real thing. That being so, with his handlebar mustache, Hamilton would be a shoo-in to join the hirsute throngs in claiming that Germany’s domestic scene is a functioning ideal for how the game should be run. Expect Hamilton to start donning thick-rimmed glasses should the football hipster’s spiritual overlord Jurgen Klopp ever take over the national team.
The world’s most foppish kitten would surely be drawn towards the fashion-forward bent of Cristiano Ronaldo, who balances being possibly the world’s best football player with an obsession for name-brand garb.
With her diminutive size and space-age origin story, Lil Bub’s soccer doppelg├ñnger is Argentina’s pint-size wizard Lionel Messi, whose own soccer skills are often described as otherworldly by commentators across the universe.
During his time on Earth, the sadly departed Colonel spent his time pouring waves of scorn and disdain on those inferior beings who were just not up to his impeccable standards. The current Netherlands coach Louis Van Gaal channels a similarly draconian spirit, not least when telling journalists and pundits that they’re “stupid” when he’s faced with their amateur line of inquiry.
England may have been trading on past World Cup glories for nearly 50 years now, but they did invent the game of football — much like Happy Cat became one of the globe’s inaugural Internet celebrity kitties. The Three Lions’ talisman player Wayne Rooney is also renowned for sneaking in more than the occasional burger when his manager isn’t looking.
Surprised Kitty burst on the scene unannounced and won over hearts with her playful and upbeat approach to life — much like how the Belgium team are packed with attacking stars and are being hotly tipped to surprise many traditionally bigger nations. Possible facial resemblance to the Red Devils’ young starlet Adnan Januzaj, too.
Maru is known for his specialist ability to get into a box — just like Uruguay’s lead striker Luis Suarez, who thrives when inside the penalty box. Although it’s unsure whether Maru has ever viciously sunk his chops into a member of the opposition during game time.
The world’s foremost feline tweeter would appreciate the “tweet first, think later” approach to social media that Italy’s nut-job striker Mario Balotelli endorses. Not sure how Socks would feel about Super Mario’s wanton use of emojis though.
Possibly churlish musing: There’s an inherent grumpiness that comes with football in the United States, with the majority of sports fans preferring to focus on NBA and NFL kicks, while those outside of the U.S. not really caring whether or not soccer breaks big here. Also, grumpy faces will have been on display when the U.S.A. were drawn in the mission impossible World Cup group-of-death, alongside Germany, Portugal and Ghana.
It’s not so much that Le Chat Noir’s own personal philosophy nods heartily to the musings of John-Paul Sartre that he’d be rooting for Les Blues — it’s the possibility of retired French football genius turned actor and philosopher Eric Cantona stepping up to narrate his next video.
What cats would you pick for soccer countries? Did you understand any of this? Are you going to be watching the World Cup with your cat? Talk to us!
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About Phillip Mlynar: The self-appointed world’s foremost expert on rappers’ cats. When not penning posts on rap music, he can be found building DIY cat towers for his adopted domestic shorthair, Mimosa, and collecting Le Creuset cookware (in red). He has also invented cat sushi, but it’s not quite what you think it is.