We are slaves to our cats — agreed? Cats let us know when they want us to wake up and feed them, when they want to play, and when they are unamused by anything less than 100 percent total attention and devotion directed toward them. I feel like a human puppet because it sometimes appears that my cats manipulate me simply for the sake of letting me know who’s in charge. (Clue: It’s not me.)
Cosmo sometimes acts like he will die if I don’t get out of bed in the morning — and this is after I’ve already gotten up once to feed him and then gone back to bed with hopes of catching a few more Z’s. He meows, and when I call him onto the bed, he races out of the room and looks at me like, “Aren’t you coming?” Eventually I’m so annoyed that I get up, wondering why he so desperately wants me to leave my cozy bed-nest. I promise you that not 10 minutes after I obey his order to wake up, I find him sleeping. What? You wanted me to get up so I could watch you sleep? Really? Please tell me I’m not the only whose cat pulls this trick.
My cats would love nothing more than for me to toss my schedule and turn over my day-planning to them. I’m thinking it would go something like this:
5:01 a.m. — Get up
I don’t care if you went to bed at midnight and I kept you up half the night with my clumsy counter-cruising and knocking knick-knacks off your bedside table. I’m hungry and it’s time for you to deliver. Plus, you’re not a cat and don’t need that much sleep anyway.
5:36 a.m. — Be available
I’ve eaten and bathed for 20 minutes. Now you get to stay in the general vicinity in case I need to use you for a napping apparatus. Excuse me? You don’t need a shower, and if you visit the toilet, I’ll just come along anyway.
8:18 a.m. — Be even more available
I’ve napped and perhaps joined you for tandem toileting. Now I might be ready to play, so it will be absolutely necessary for you to remain in the same room with me at all times. Watch me carefully and look for the subtle clues that tell you what I’d like to do next. You are not allowed to use the laptop, camera, phone, or any electronics during this time. In fact, you’ll place the whole lot of it in the broom closet. You won’t go in there anyway — you don’t have time to clean. Except my litter box, which shall remain pristinely spotless. In fact, you shall anticipate my every urination and bowel movement.
10:05 a.m. — Treats
Instead of a liquor cabinet, you stock a full-on treat bar, brimming with every delicious snack known to cat. At this time you officially take my treat order, and I eat so quickly and with such zeal that I immediately vomit after the gargantuan gorge-fest. My aim is perfect — I hit your favorite rug every time.
10:37 a.m. — More napping
Don’t think you’re going anywhere. And just because I’m napping doesn’t mean you get to paint your nails.
2:01 p.m. — Pooping and more treats
Grab the pooper scooper and meet me at the treat-bar/vomitorium afterward. I have a sudden craving for beef liver.
2:26 p.m. — Maybe play, maybe not
After all that pooping and vomiting, I may need a nap. But then again, I might want to play. Stay tuned.
5:02 p.m. — Stare
Don’t disturb me. This is my “staring at birds, squirrels and blank walls time.” You should start thinking about what you’d like to serve me for dinner. Also, you don’t get to laugh at me when I chirp at birds. I’m awesome.
6:12 p.m. — Dinner
Be prompt. That is all.
6:55 p.m. — Blanket time
After eating and bathing, I need you to sit with my favorite blanket on your lap so I can curl up and snooze. You’d like to eat, too? You should have thought of that before blanket time.
9:10 p.m. — Stay put
You need to go to the bathroom? Too bad.
10:27 p.m. — Off duty … sort of
You get to go to bed now, but don’t even consider closing the bedroom door because I will make your life a living hell. I may or may not sleep on your head. Get some rest — 5:01 a.m. isn’t far off.
If your cat planned your schedule, what would he include? Tell us about it in the comments!
About the Author: Angie Bailey is a weird girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Wrote a ridiculous humor book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.
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