It was 2008, a few days after I had moved into a new apartment in a new city. I woke up about 9 a.m., to the sound of two adult women dressed as cats vomiting on my doorstep. It was an unusual (but fitting) welcome to San Francisco, via the annual 7.5-ish mile booze-fueled race called Bay to Breakers. It basically doubles as an excuse for tens of thousands of people to get hammered, put on obnoxious costumes, and get nice and sweaty together. Sometimes that means you win a medal and get to tell your parents all about how you’re really “making it” in the big city. Sometimes that means you and your girlfriend throw up on a stranger’s home.
Was I angry? No. I was impressed! I see cats throwing up all the time, but people dressed as cats throwing up? Such dedication to the character! When these two commit to a bit, they really commit to a bit!
Years later, I still find myself inspired by the two nauseous women on my front stoop, and that inspiration has led to a business idea. I offer my services to you, dear reader, or anyone you know who might be thinking about adopting a cat. Adoption is a big decision! There are tons of little things that you don’t really grasp until you’ve taken care of a little monster on your own. So please hire me to come into your home for, oh, I don’t know, a month or so, to simulate “cat things.” Don’t make it weird, it’s not. But you should know that for the full effect, I will be decked out in a cat costume throughout the process. And in the grand tradition of young-women-dressing-as-felines, I will make sure that it’s a very provocative cat outfit. Also, I might be drunk and incoherent at times.
Here are some of the services I’ll offer to prepare you for living with a real cat.
My tongue is as soft as a baby’s bottom, which is a fact a like to work into every conversation I ever have, personal and professional. So in order to illustrate how it might feel if a cat were to groom you, I’ll drag a little strip of sandpaper across the soft skin on the back of your hand. You might attempt to move the sandpaper to a different spot just for a second to switch it up because you’re an optimistic sucker. But I’ll go right back to that really tender area until I get bored or hear a super scary noise.
I have very long hair, and it’s delicious. It’s so delicious that I’ll crawl up to your ear, snack on it, and then cough a lot of times in a row. Don’t bother telling me not to eat my hair. It’s like, the most delicious thing on the planet.
I’ll ask you for a glass of water by sticking my hand into your water glass. Keep in mind that my hand is the same tool I use to arrange the items in my litter box. Don’t get all uncomfortable about it. If anything, just think of this as a fun little reminder that you have to clean out my litter box. And please be a dear and get me some water while you’re up.
When you sit down on the couch, I’ll join you. Cute! Cuddle puddle!! But for this exercise, I’ll sit on your stomach and kind of massage the part of your belly where your bladder is. Don’t make me get up! Don’t make me get up! I love you. I love you so much.
When you’re out with friends, I’ll send you texts that say things like, “Just barfed somewhere secret. Hope you’re having a dope day!” or “I’M HUNGRY! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME??” even though, ha ha, I’ll refuse to eat once you rush home to feed me. It’s just that I missed you and wanted to sit on your bladder some more.
At some point everything will seem to be going well, and you’ll look lovingly into my eyes. I’ll lean in about an inch away from your face and whisper, “If I were bigger, I would kill you,” before sauntering out of the room like a jerk. If you ask me about this later, I will have no memory of the incident whatsoever.
See this person who looks gainfully employed and like they can carry on a conversation without staring at your chest? Great. Now say goodbye to them forever because if they are around a cat, their kind, beautiful face will swell and possibly explode. Just something to consider.
Which, to be fair, I’ve been doing anyway.
So, what do you think? Would you hire me?