It’s Friday, so that means we gather ’round for our weekly lesson in Fanglish cat slang, an underground lexicon used by our cats when we’re not around. We always come together secretly, though, because our kitties can never become wise to our knowledge of their slang. They must believe they’re always several steps ahead of us — and I’m not messing with cats, are you? Nah, I didn’t think so.
My feline informant showed up this week with a sharp selection of terms related to mealtime … cat mealtime, that is. Of course, it’s always about them. Like we should be surprised, right? They have a lot to say about their food and how we humans serve — and sometimes fail to serve — them. I don’t know if we can ever truly live up to our cats’ expectations, but still we try our very hardest. My informant advised me there are thousands of Fanglish terms regarding kitty mealtime, but he attempted to pull together the ones he thought were most important. And then he asked for his payment: a large bag of chicken cat treats. Nothing’s free, folks.
So on we go to the lesson at hand. Lock this away in your mental vault and then erase your browsing history. Our cats are always watching, you know.
1. Water-agitator
A cat who paws at her water before, during, or after drinking.
“The Lady always had a towel handy because Marshmallow was a messy water-agitator.”
2. Food network
Two or more cats who, after gobbling their own food, move in on the slower-eating cat’s dish.
“Dandelion ate faster because she felt the food network closing in on her.”
3. Stare-master
A cat who steadily stares at a human for a period of time prior to mealtime.
“The Man noticed it was nearly an hour before dinner, but Popsicle has already become a stare-master.”
4. Face-plated
Fell asleep on top of one’s food dish.
“Lord Porkpie was suddenly overtaken with sleepiness, and slowly face-plated atop of his pile of Fancy Feast.”
5. Power-washer
A cat who spends an excessive amount of time bathing after a meal.
“Puff Ball licked the last bit of gravy from her bowl and then slipped into power-washer mode.”
6. Morning walk
A cat’s walk across a human’s sleeping body during the early morning hours.
“The Lady’s attempt to sleep in on Saturday was thwarted by Cocoa’s morning walk.”
7. Water animal
A cat’s toy animal that’s floating in a water dish.
“The Man returned home from work to find Pancho’s fountain full of water animals.”
8. Sloppy seconds
Food knocked out of a food bowl by a messy cat, and then eaten by another cat.
“MooMoo walked away from her dinner, and Walter moved in for sloppy seconds.”
9. Amazing race
Cats running to the kitchen at mealtime.
“The Lady popped a can of cat food, signaling the start of the amazing race.”
10. Switch-hitter
A cat who swats another cat prior to stealing his food.
“Princess has to eat with one eye on Bubbles, an infamous switch-hitter.”
11. Opening act
The chaotic, desperate dancing and meowing that happens while a human is preparing a cat’s meal.
“The night’s opening act was particularly rousing because it was followed by chicken giblets and gravy.”
12. Bad trip
A human’s fall while delivering plates of cat food, due to cats weaving in and out of the human’s legs.
“Last night’s dinner was delayed because The Lady had a bad trip.”
Do you have any terms to add to the Fanglish dictionary? Leave them in the comments!
Read more by Angie Bailey:
- “Hello, My Name is Angie, and I’m a Cat-Huffer”
- Cats and Bags: 2 Very Important Scientific Experiments
- The Pros and Cons of My Cats as Health Care Providers
About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, and authored Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.
