If you regularly read my posts, you know I adore imagining cats doing activities that humans would normally do. I’m completely tickled by the idea of kitties having Tupperware parties and signing field-trip permission slips for their kittens. The Mainzer “dressed cats” postcards are my favorites — those little cats wearing suspenders and creating mayhem have entertained me for hours at a time. Not even kidding.
I was thinking about my own cats and how I’d enjoy watching them out in the world doing mundane people-things. Now, this is going to be completely silly, but stay with me, and don’t try and read into any part of it. Here are six human activities I want to see my cats do:
I usually go to those 10-minute oil-change places — there’s one about a mile from my house. I always sit in the waiting room, even though I could just stay in the car. I like to think about Phoebe rolling into a oil-change bay, handing over the keys and then heading to the waiting area, where she’d read an expired People magazine and drink coffee that’d been sitting on the burner for three or four hours. They’d always try to sell her fancy windshield wiper blades, but she knows hers are just fine.
Cosmo would be a total slacker on the job. He’d forget to put the requested extra ketchup in the bag and give three straws to a customer who’d ordered five drinks. He wouldn’t care. And when no one was looking, he’d turn around and swipe French fries from someone’s order.
In a different Cosmo story, he’d be one of those cranky bus drivers who’d chastise riders for not having exact change, and sigh when they asked for a transfer. Although he’d be crabby all day long, when he got home, he’d soften and look forward to playing Scrabble with his wife. Oh, and he’d make them best grilled cheese sandwiches on sourdough bread, and they’d drink unsweetened iced tea without lemon.
Phoebe would show up at the salon 15 minutes late for her appointment and demand a French manicure. When she had to wait, she’d ask to speak to a manager, who’d apologize, but tell her she still had to wait. Then Phoebe would march out of the salon, her unmanicured toenails clicking on the tile, saying loud enough for everyone to hear, “I didn’t want to give you my business, anyway.” And then she’d tear out of the parking lot and go get an oil change.
First of all, Saffy would totally wear a pantsuit and sensible shoes. When her new pantsuit fit a little to snugly, she’d head over to the department store to return the purchase. When the customer service clerk asked her for her receipt, she’d search her pocketbook (because Saffy would carry a pocketbook), but come up empty-handed. After the clerk suggested she go home and retrieve the receipt, Saffy would become irritated and decide she’d just keep the pantsuit and let out the waistline.
What human activities can you imagine your cat doing? Tell us in the comments!
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About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.