6 Reasons Cats Would Be Fired from Shopping Mall Jobs


The holidays are approaching, and malls are beginning to think about hiring seasonal employees to handle the throngs of crazed shoppers during the busy holiday season. You couldn’t pay me to brave the malls in the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas. And to work behind the register at one of the stores? No way!

Cats have even less patience than I do, and are easily distracted. Even though they’d love the cash, they’d make the worst mall employees ever — especially my Phoebe. Here are six reasons why.

1. Racking up naps and nonsense

Cats who work in clothing stores would constantly fight the urge to climb into the racks of clothing and hide. The line at their register would stretch outside the door while Phoebe’d be napping behind women’s pantsuits. And if she were feeling feisty, she’d swat the customers as they passed the rack and then snicker as they confusedly looked around.

After a series of customer complaints, she’d be fired.

2. The case for stairs

Cats love stairs. My cats constantly chase each other up and down the stairs in our split-level home. Malls can be a jackpot of staircases. Cats wouldn’t know where to begin! Phoebe would take regular, unauthorized “breaks” and race up and down each staircase a dozen times. She’d stop now and again to wind around the ankles of shoppers carrying armloads of bags and packages.

After a series of customer complaints, she’d be fired.

3. Liquid distractions

My cats love their drinking fountain. Can you imagine the look on a feline’s face if she saw a giant, ornate fountain in the middle of a mall? The sound of the trickling water would constantly distract her from her duties. A customer would ask her where to find the mittens and scarf sets and she’d only hear the hypnotizing sounds of the monster fountain.

After a serious of customer complaints, she’d be fired.

4. Taking stock

Boxes! Most every store at the mall has a stock room that’s filled with boxes — especially around the holidays. Phoebe would constantly ask to unpack new stock, even if there was none. Her boss would tell her the new shipments wouldn’t be in until the next day, but she wouldn’t believe him. She’d become obsessed. A customer would send her in search of a specific item and she’d somehow find her way into the stock room, in search of fresh boxes. She wouldn’t return for a solid hour. Sometimes longer.

After a series of customer complaints, she’d be fired.

5. Going batty

Many malls have long walkways that are perfect racetracks for cats. As with the staircases, they would spend lengthy “breaks” sprinting around the mall, batting and chasing earrings pulled from a clearance rack, and annoying customers along the way.

After a series of customer complaints, she’d be fired.

6. Courting job loss

Ah, the food court! If there’s one place in a mall that would excite a cat, it’s the food court. For obvious reasons, they’d be worthless employees. They’d fight over the in-demand jobs at the sushi spots and fish-and-chips joints. Phoebe would hide in the back, devouring the inventory, leaving hungry customers with empty plates.

After a series of customer complaints, she’d be fired.

Would your cat have trouble working at a mall? Tell us about it in the comments!

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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