For years, I thought my cats held the key to my having a less anxious life. I mean, come on — they’re furry and warm! They purr! They have a lot of whiskers on their faces, some of which serve no apparent purpose! And when it comes to afternoon naps, they can really tear it up!

This is me and my pet rock, Benedict Cumberbatch. He’s great!

But you also have to feed them, brush them, and scoop their litter boxes. Occasionally you have to clean up their vomit, which for some reason is almost always on the shag rug or in your shoe. All of that stuff stresses me out more.

The search for a cleaner, easier companion led me to adopt my pet rock, Benedict Cumberbatch. Ever since I plucked him from the front yard the other day, shimmering and warm in the afternoon sun, I’ve realized the true key to a stress-free life. Here’s how Benedict Cumberbatch helps me to chill the heck out already.

Here’s me and Benedict Cumberbatch after watching this week’s episode of “Walking Dead.”

1. I can squeeze my rock as tightly as I want

When I get stressed out, I can clench Benedict Cumberbatch tightly in my fist like one of those squishy stress balls — except there’s no danger of him splitting open and spilling sand all over my desk. Also, unlike my cats, Benedict Cumberbatch doesn’t run away when I try to hug him. No matter the time of day or night, he is always right where I left him. He’s super loyal that way. Knowing Benedict Cumberbatch always has my back definitely helps relieve my anxiety.

Benedict Cumberbatch gets really warm in the sun.

2. My rock requires no care — like, literally none

Unlike my cats, I do not have to feed Benedict Cumberbatch. I do not have to give him bites of my cereal or wash his water dishes every day to prevent chin acne. The other day I dropped him on the floor of my car, and he stayed there until evening and did not complain.

The best part: Benedict Cumberbatch does not have a shedding season. He does not contribute to the feeling that my whole life is falling apart because there’s a considerable amount of cat hair accumulated under the bookshelf. He is the perfect low-maintenance pet.

Benedict Cumberbatch always waits for me right where I left him. He’s super loyal that way.

3. Hot stone massages are a thing

Benedict Cumberbatch gets really warm in the sun. It’s kind of Zen to take a warm rock and press it to your face — or, if you’d prefer, your armpit. Just trust me on this one. Don’t worry — your pet rock won’t complain. Benedict Cumberbatch never does.

Here’s me and Benedict Cumberbatch having coffee and discussing current events. He always agrees with me!

4. My rock is an excellent listener

I can say anything to Benedict Cumberbatch, and he will not judge me. This afternoon he sat there for 15 minutes while I praised Jonathan Banks’ performance as Mike Ehrmantraut in Better Call Saul. Then he totally helped me talk myself into finishing the damn laundry. I can even yell at Benedict Cumberbatch, and it doesn’t hurt his feelings. He doesn’t care when I call him an idiot for not talking me out of eating the last sleeve of Girl Scout cookies.

5. I can take my rock pretty much anywhere

My cats freak out if I take them in the car, but Benedict Cumberbatch will calmly perch on the dash while I stop at the gas station. He’ll sit quietly on the corner of my desk while I’m in class trying to learn stuff. He’ll even come with me to the gym, and I don’t have to worry that he’ll run off or bite someone while I’m doing yoga. 

Quite simply, adopting Benedict Cumberbatch has simplified my life in many ways and complicated it in zero ways. Tomorrow I think I’ll make him a tiny bow tie, because nothing relieves stress like a pet rock in a bow tie.

Have your pet rocks helped quell your anxiety? In what ways? Let me know in the comments!

Read more about pet rocks on Rockster:

• The Pet Rock Revolution Is Here: Catster Is Now Rockster
• Ask a Vet: Why Is My Pet Rock Peeing Outside the Litter Box?
• Texts from Rock: The Bully of a Concrete Slab Edition
• Greater Sedona Pet Rock Rescue Clears the City of Feral Rocks
• Watch and Learn: I Give My Pet Rock a Fashion Makeover
• Don’t Shame Me for Being a Purebred Crystal Collector

About Angela: This not-crazy-at-all rock lady loves to shake the gravel from her favorite dress and go out dancing. She also frequents the gym, the vegan coffee joint, and the warm patch of sunlight on the living room floor. She enjoys a good rock rescue story about kindness and decency overcoming the odds, and she’s an enthusiastic recipient of headbutts and purrs from her pet rock, Benedict Cumberbatch.