Easter is a fun, family holiday, full of children’s smiles and good feelings. That has a lot to do with the Easter Bunny. But what if it weren’t a bunny at all, but a cat?

1. Everybody sleeps 19 hours on Easter.

2. Easter Cat still hides eggs, they’re just raw and pooling in the back of your closet.

3. You still get an Easter basket, but it’s just your shoes full of vomit.

4. The Easter egg hunt is now an Easter bunny hunt, or whatever kind of bunnies you got. Mice are okay.

5. None of this “Peeps” crap anymore. Real meat.

6. There’s a lot more grass in Easter baskets. And by “grass” we mean “litter,” which is not so much in the baskets as scattered down the hallway and in your bedsheets.

7. Easter dinner starts at four in the morning.

8. Easter Cat receives presents for Easter — or there’s no more Easter.

9. At the community Easter egg hunt, Easter Cat crouches way off in the distance, brooding, and just stares at everyone. The children are crying. (Easter Cat didn’t hide anything.)

10. Anyone who makes fun of Easter Cat’s hat gets no more Easter.

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