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6 Greeting Cards You Would Get from Your Cat

Cats would write way better cards than ones in stores -- especially if there's a payoff for them.

 |  Nov 1st 2013  |   10 Contributions


I often have a difficult time choosing the perfect greeting card from the offerings at most stores. Either they're way too cheesy or, well, they're waaaaaay too cheesy. If you have a half-hour to stand in front of the rack and pick through cards, you'll find something reasonably heartfelt or funny, but it does usually take a little time.

I always thought I could create better cards than those offered by the retailers. Not too long ago, I decided to stop paying lip service and actually submit mock-ups to a major greeting card company that was asking for fresh ideas. It were looking for humorous cards, especially ones directed at women. I spent about a week working on what I thought were ten funny submissions. I'm not saying I'm the most hilarious writer ever, but I think I'm passable in the funny department. Better than some of those jokers who write the cheeseball cards I often see.

"You call these funny?" Photo: Davidddje

So I submitted the cards and waited. And waited. And waited. They apparently didn't like my cards, but didn't even give me the courtesy of an official rejection. Oh well, major greeting card retailer (AMERICAN GREETINGS), you're the one missing out. Would you like some crackers for that cheese you seem to have coming out of your ears?? Sorry -- it's still a sensitive topic.

I think cats could even write better cards than those we find on the department store racks. They're witty and can be sentimental on occasion -- especially if there's a payoff for them. Here are six greeting cards a cat would send.

Cats want us to enjoy the good things in life, but only after all their needs and wants have been satisfied. They try and express a little humor, but cats can be passive-aggressive. We take what we can get.

They love to celebrate our successes, because our good fortune also means their bowl runneth over.

"Enjoy your roses."Photo: Emilie Hardman

No matter how many toys, treats, or snuggles we give cats, it's never enough. Greeting cards are the perfect vehicles for expressing those sentiments.

Cats love it when we're sick because that means we're probably home all day, cuddled up under fuzzy blankets. This is the cat version of winning the lottery. They get to park themselves right on top of us, knowing we'll only get up if we need to use the facilities or heat up some soup; however, they aren't shy about flattening their ears with every jolt from a cough or sneeze. Our sickness is all about their comfort, after all.

"Happy Freaking Birthday." Photo: Judit Klein

Cats are quick to thank us, especially sarcastically. "My dinner's going to be late? Thanks a lot." "You're going on vacation? Great. Thanks." "Out of treats? Ohhh, boy! I sure do appreciate that!"

Mother's Day is the holiday when we honor the mothers and maternal figures in our lives. Cats happily show us a little extra love and affection on that holiday, but they're always quick to let us know our work is never done. And that dogs will always be more disgusting than they are.

What would a card from your cat say? Tell us about it in the comments!

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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