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6 Things My Cats Could Do to Make My Life Easier

I believe it's time for my cats to get off their lazy butts and drive the kids to school.

 |  Oct 2nd 2013  |   11 Contributions


I love my cats to pieces, but sometimes I wish they'd be a little more, um, useful. I mean, really ... they don't do much. Mostly, they lie around the house. And when they're not sleeping or stealing my chair, they're looking for their next meal. Wouldn't it be the coolest if cats could assist in practical tasks?

I can think of a few, for starters.

1. Grocery shopping

Saffy's excited for double-coupon day. Can't you tell?

I've never been a fan of grocery shopping, especially if I can't avoid going during overly busy times. The aisles are never wide enough, and I can think of a thousand other things I'd rather do than clip coupons. Cats have nothing but time on their hands. They could research the best deals, find double coupons and easily maneuver the aisles, hissing at annoying people who want to fondle every single cantaloupe before choosing one.

2. Hold my calls

Saffy, tell them I'm not home.

I'm not a big phone-talker. I don't mind quick information-giving-and-receiving calls, but I sure don't want to sit on the phone for an hour, chatting about the neighbor's bladder suspension surgery. I'd rather text, email or see someone in person. I wish my cat could answer my phone, take messages and hand out my email address. They don't have any trouble being to the point, and don't give a crap if they offend people.

3. Fold laundry

Phoebe: "Fold or sleep on? Silly question."

I'm OK with sorting, washing and drying clothes, but it ends there. Freshly laundered garments and linens usually sit in baskets until someone decides to fold the now-wrinkled-to-hell contents. If a cat could get past the urge to jump inside the basket and nap, I think they'd be excellent laundry folders. I mean, who's more OCD than a cat? Even the underwear would be folded into tidy little squares.

4. Manage finances

Phoebe can balance the checkbook with her eyes closed.

I've never been what I'd call "mathy." I know enough to figure sale prices on the clearance racks, but that's kind of where it ends. Unfortunately, the non-mathy one here is the person charged with managing the family's finances, paying bills and balancing the checkbook. These are tasks I place on a to-do list and then stare blankly at, mentally postponing until a final billing notice shows up and I'm forced to punch numbers into a calculator. I know I could do everything online, and I do some of it that way, but I'm still kind of old school and write checks for some things. They're super cute checks with kittens on them, though. Hey, if I'm going to have to do math, I might as well find something to smile about, right?

I would love nothing more than to transfer financial duties over to one of my cats. In fact, I'd want Cosmo to wear a little suit and sit at a desk like my personal accountant. I want to see tiny glasses on his face and watch his paws fly on the ten-key. Maybe all of this is less about me not liking math and more about wanting to see my cat in a suit.

5. Prepare meals

Saffy: "So ... what is this? My new food dish?"

How cool would it be to wake up to the smell of sizzling bacon in the morning? I'd slide my feet into my slippers and shuffle out into the kitchen, where I'd see Saffy (in an apron, of course), standing over the stove, flipping bacon and scrambling eggs for me. What a lucky lady I'd be! Instead I wake up to her shouting at me to serve up a bowl of chicken and gravy. Doesn't seem fair. Cats should be able to wear aprons. 

6. Run short errands

C'mon, Saffy! I'll give you gas money.

I'd be ever so grateful if my cat would drive the kids around and run short errands for me. These little outings really chomp chunks out of my day -- think of how much extra work I could get done if I didn't have to leave the house! I'd just need to install extensions for the gas and brake pedals. That's all.

What sorts of tasks do you wish your cat could help you with? Tell us about it in the comments!

About the Author: Angie Bailey is a goofy girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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