PLEASE READ

Dear Beloved Pets:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and
food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish,
nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to t he fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow,
try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to
pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To return the kindness of your obedience, my dear pets,
I have posted the following on our front door so visitors to our home know
what the rules are here:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are
adopted children who are short, hairy and walk on all fours.
Although they don't speak clearly, they communicate extremely
well, especially my cats.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when
called (this does not apply to cats), never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear
your clothes, and don 't need a gazillion dollars for college.
Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!