Mina the Cat
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The Greatest Cat-on-Cat Practical Joke That Never Was

In which I devise a seemingly perfect way to rid my household of that new gray kitten.

Mina the Cat  |  Dec 18th 2012

The other day, one of my humans said to the other that Ziggy, the new kitten in the house, was “growing on me.” At first, I was concerned. No one wants unusual growths. But then I realized “growing” is a human metaphor. They think I’m beginning to like Ziggy. They might have thought this because he and I eat near each other, or because we have shared the use of Kitty City at least once, and Mommy thinks she saw me blinking at Ziggy once.

This is all nonsense. I do not like that kitten, except insofar as I like beating up on that kitten. But I don’t think that counts. Mommy is saying that I like having him around. I am not a fan of that kitten.

So I believe it’s time to make clear that I am not a fan. So I planned the greatest feline practical joke in history.

First, I’ve noticed that Mommy and Daddy have these big colorful bags they use to carry groceries from the car, and garbage and packages to the car. Mommy recently bought groceries, so one of those bags was sitting unattended on a table. I realized that if I could get something slipped into that bag, it might be carried down to Mommy’s car and never return.

Second, you’re all familiar with my opinions regarding "outside." Well, I realized that wherever Mommy and Daddy takes those things must be outside (except for the pizza boxes because they keep coming back, but that seems like a lesser point). So, what could be a better place to strand a feline interloper than ÔǪ you guessed it: Outside!

At this point, it must be clear, even to a human, that my plan was to lure Ziggy into the colorful bag and leave him there until one of my humans would see him and say, "Well, it must be time to get rid of this." And then walk out with Ziggy in the bag. So I told Ziggy that I saw Mommy taking cheese out of that bag, and I think she left some inside it. Ziggy loves dairy in all forms — yogurt, milk, cheese — he’ll shove his face in it. Within seconds he bounded onto the table, climbed into the bag, and started looking around. I just lay down near the table where I could watch the eventual fireworks, and proceeded to act casual.

Unfortunately, Mommy let herself get distracted from taking the bag back to her car. Instead of behaving predictably, Mommy said, "Look at the cute kitten." Then she got out a camera and took photos of him. When she was done, she called out Daddy. I knew Daddy would correct her, and note that Ziggy must be in the bag for a reason. But, no, Daddy hopped onto the "how cute" bandwagon, and then he told Ziggy that he wasn’t allowed on the table, pulled him out of the bag, and put him back down on the floor.

How could my humans have failed me so severely. It’s as if they had no idea that everything in those bags gets carried outside never to return. I see it happen constantly. But no, the humans seem to know when a cat climbs into the bag. Maybe my humans are smater than I thought…

No, they must have been watching. Everyone knows humans are dumb. That’s why they feed us and clean up our poop.