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April Fool’s day is Monday, and if you’re thinking about pranking your cat, make sure you don’t own any of these cats.

1. Don’t even think of giving me the dog’s kibble, you hear me?

2. Oh, what’s this? A new toy? NOT BUYING IT.

3. You look like you’re planning something. I’M PLANNING SOMETHING TOO.

4. Listen, friend, if anything cute happens, I’m CRAPPING on your HEAD when you SLEEP.

5. You want to prank someone? PRANK THE DOG. I do it every day.

6. You know what happened to the last guy who pranked me? SPONGE BATHS. Also: LOTS OF SCREAMING.

7. If I find my litter box and food bowl have switched places, IT’S OPEN SEASON ON YA.

8. You gotta ask yourself, is three seconds of fun worth putting BACTINE on your CHEEKS for a MONTH?

9. I wonder what your finger would look like if it wasn’t attached to your hand.

10. Do you have any idea of the damage I can do with nine lives? WELL, DO YA, PUNK?