Christmas is approaching, and while many cats get a bit skittish during the holidays, others do end up enjoying the extra attention they get, not to mention the nice presents. I asked my cat, Stella, what she loves about Christmas.
Me: Hi, Stella. What do you love about Christmas?
Stella: I hate Christmas!
What? Since when?
It’s hard to love a holiday in which so many people are trying to kill me.
Who’s trying to kill you?
The singing assassins, for one.
The singing who?
They came to the door like three times last year, their false good cheer portending bloodshed and death.
Fortunately I got the jump on them.
I think you just hissed at them from the window.
And it worked! They fled to the corners of the Earth.
I think they just strolled away after their song was over.
And they never came back! I also hate Santa.
You can’t be serious.
A guy kicking his way down the chimney at two in the morning? Not my bag in the slightest. Fortunately I got the jump on him last year as well.
You got the jump on Santa?
You didn’t see the remains of his red pants?
All I saw was that the milk had been toppled over and the cookies had been eaten.
The living room was covered in the remains of his red pants.
Well, what about having friends and family visit? Isn’t everyone so nice to you?
Nice? If people want to be nice to me they should never come over and I should never have to see them.
No wonder you don’t have any friends.
I know! It’s great, huh?
How about the gifts you get?
I take it you’re referring to the six jingle balls from the dollar store.
What’s wrong with jingle balls?
Okay, what about the cat bed I gave you? You slept in that for like three months solid.
And then your mother came over and touched it, ruining it. Please tell her not to touch my things.
She just nudged it into a sunbeam.
I will never sleep there again …
… until I do.
Surely you like the nice Christmas treats? Remember how I gave you a chunk of tuna?
Yes. One ounce of tuna really makes up for singing assassins.
Look, nobody wants to kill you on Christmas — they just want to spread some holiday cheer.
What’s the difference?
Well, one is murder, and the other is the opposite of murder.
They both sound like murder to me.
Merry Christmas, Stella.
Not if I can help it.
Read more about Stella: