Stella vs. Dieting

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My cat, Stella, never met a bowl of wet food she didn’t like, which has become an issue in her later years. I decided to broach the topic, gently.

©cglade | Getty Images

 

Hey, Stella — it seems like you’ve put on a few pounds lately.

I know! Isn’t it great? I feel like a moose.

 

You know, it’s really not good to carry around excess weight.

Of course it’s good. Storing fat means I’ll make it through next winter no problem.

 

You live in a house. You always make it through next winter no problem.

Not true. This house is sorely lean on blankets. Come January the couch is basically a glacier.

 

I’m just worried about your health. You’re 17.

It might be time for a diet. Oh, you should have just said that! I’ll take a lemon-lime diet.

 

A what?

A lemon-lime diet.

 

Which is …?

One of those things in the pantry. You know the stuff you drink all day?

 

You mean a soda, Stella. That’s not a diet. And I don’t drink them all day.

Says “diet” right on the can. And yes, you DO drink them all day.

 

Going on a diet means changing how and what you consume, Stella.

Like drinking diets all day. I’m on board. Let’s pop some diets and turn on Netflix.

 

For the last time, I don’t drink diets all day.

Hey, I’m not the one leaving empty diets all over the house.

 

Stella, drinking “diet” lemon-lime soda every now and then does not mean you are ON a diet.

Does the same go for diet cola? And root beer?

 

All of them.

So you REALLY must not be on a diet, by the looks of our recycling bin.

 

Listen, Stella: A diet simply means I serve you … uh … less.

Less? Less what?

 

Well, less food, in a nutshell.

LESS FOOD?! BUT I NEED ALL THE FOOD!

 

It will take some adjustment, to be sure, but the —

Listen to me: Do you appreciate the consequences of giving me less food?

 

Sure, and we’ll work together to —

Stop talking and look at me: Do you appreciate the CONSEQUENCES of giving me less FOOD?

 

Oh. You mean nighttime, right? Particularly the hours of midnight to 3 a.m. When you’ll be … making your “sounds,” I take it?

The likes of which you’ve never heard from me, and at such a volume.

 

You mean you’ve been holding back?

I’ve kept some tricks in my back pocket — real horror-show caterwauling.

 

You know I free feed you dry food. It’s there all day long and you ignore it.

Let’s not bring my dry food into this.

 

There’s nothing wrong with your dry food.

Easy for someone drinking diets all day to say.

 

I DO NOT DRINK DIETS ALL DAY.

You’ve got one in your hand right now!

 

How about this: We’ll try a senior wet food for a while and see how it goes.

Senior, huh? That means it’s the highest-ranked food, correct?

 

Something like that.

So beef stew? Filet mignon? BBQ duck?

 

All finished in the French style, called “minced.”

About time I got some respect around here.

 

Might as well do senior portions as well. Go all in.

Only the best portions for me! How about we seal the deal with a toast?

 

You’re still not getting a soda, Stella.

No fair. Humans get the best diets.

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