If you have not yet seen the video of a hot robot say that she wants to destroy mankind, I urge you to leave this blog, leave your family, and give it your undivided attention.
If that’s what the future holds, congratulations to us about the whole “hot robot” thing. I can get behind that. But also — we are in (obvious) trouble.
In an attempt to seem likable to the robots who eventually will turn on me, I’ve searched for products that suggest, I come in peace, or perhaps, Don’t you feel a bond with me, oh, Great Hot Robot Overlord, knowing that we share similar tastes in home furnishings? Naturally, I hope that Great Hot Robot will spare my cat’s life as well, and so I’ve sought additional items for her. Here are five I’ve found so far.
1. Cat Cloud Cat Shelf, $99.99
At first glance these Cat Clouds from The Refined Feline look decorations from the type of bar that plays techno music and serves $15 martinis. The type of bar where you dress in something tighter and shinier than you normally would, and think, Who am I all of the sudden? And then, I like it.
If you don’t feel like dressing like a sexy robot and sharing flavored-vodka drinks with complete strangers, I totally get that. Buy these shelves instead and drink flavored-vodka at home with your kitty cat. Sexy robot attire optional.
2. Modern Cat Scratcher, $111.11
My home aesthetic is somewhere in between “Remember When Vintage Charm Was a Desirable Style?” and “Enthusiast of Items From Former Roommates.” There’s nothing particularly futuristic or lustrous about my space or my cat’s furniture.
But if I had this mod cat scratcher by the Etsy vendor The Shapes We Make? I’d be sleek. I’d be cool. I’d want to throw a dinner party. I’d want to tell my friends to bring along whomever they want. I’d want to double dip that chip in the salsa. I’d want to bust out that sexy robot attire. Again.
3. Futuristic Geometric Cat Water Bowl, $36.55
Let me ask you something. Ever watch videos of astronauts eating their meals in outer space and get viciously jealous? I don’t mean jealous of their incredible intelligence or the chance to see views that are out of this world. (See what I did there? How am I not an astronaut?) Aren’t you just a little jealous of how they get to eat floating food, because, come on, how is such an act not the most fun they’ve ever had?
I can’t make your cat’s food float, but I can direct you to this amazing futuristic feeding bowl. Gravity is a total buzzkill — but look at that trippy print!
4. Dart Duo Cat Toy, $49.99
If there’s one thing the future should hold, it’s lasers that are used without the supervision of humans. Dreams do come true with the Dart Duo Cat Toy, a free-standing tower sold on SkyMall that promises to shoot lasers at your pet whether you’re around to enjoy it or not. This product features not one, but TWO lasers, for — buckle up — “double the fun!” I’m having fun just thinking about it.
5. The Litter-Robot Open Air, $449
Catster senior editor Keith Bowers pointed out Sky Mall’s Litter Robot while shopping for his cat via Sky Mall. I take great solace in knowing that while Bowers has trouble understanding the function of the litter box, I’m already ordering the Litter-Robot Open Air, a sort of Litter Robot 2.0. I guess not everyone is cut out to survive a robot apocalypse.
By the way, if I’m spending $449 on a litter box, no way in hell am I letting my cat near it. This litter box is like decorative soaps: It’s only for me and house guests I’m trying to impress into being my best friend. Sorry, cat.
What about you? What precautions will you take before our inevitable demise and surrender to the robot race? Do you, too, plan to protect your cat from robot armies? Let me know! I’ll take all the advice I can get!
