What to Expect When You're Expecting (to Give Birth to a Cat)
When we first saw Universal Error's "Pregnant Cat Lady Gravida Cattus Greeting Card" on Etsy, our minds were blown. Look at this card:
Then, after we had fully absorbed this crazy thing, the questions started. So many questions. About giving birth to a cat. We thought it would be in our best interests to know everything about giving birth to a cat, but, alas, the company was no help. Universal Error makes greeting cards. This is a greeting card.
So, in the interests of science and things, we decided to create our own Q&A for those people thinking about having a cat-baby (or a kittaby or a ... catfant) of their own.
How does this sort of thing happen?
You'll have to ask a cat guy. Here's one.
That looks like an adult cat. What's full term for this sort of thing?
About six months ago, frankly. But what kitty would leave a warm spot like this with plenty of food?
Is delivery painful?
Well, a cat's head is much smaller than a human baby's. On the other hand, a human baby is not bringing 20 needle-sharp daggers along for the ride. So, you betcha.
Should we worry about a breech birth?
I wouldn't -- I once saw a cat crawl backwards through a toilet paper roll.
What's a good way to jumpstart the birth process?
A laser pointer never hurt. You can also open a can of cat food and tap a fork against the tin.
Can you, um, socialize the kitty in the womb?
What do you mean?
You're wasting your time. Just fear them. You and your doctor should dress like you're defusing a bomb. Helmets, too. Remember: The kitty has had no reason to scratch anything for months. She'll be like a Phoenix rising, only she'll be wildly scratching everything all around her instead of rising.
The miracle of life, etc.
Do you recommend a home birth?
Not without Bactine.
Do you recommend a water birth?
I don't know. Is this the first thing you want to see?
Will the cat remember the trauma of birth?
Who knows? You certainly will, though.
What should we do with the umbilical cord?
What exactly are you getting at? Next question.
Swaddling: Pro or con?
So you want to lay a cat on her back, hold down her limbs and wrap her up like a machine-made burrito? I'd pay money to see that.
How long will we have to stay in the hospital after delivery?
Until the first nurse bashes open the door at midnight and flicks on the florescent lights. You'll find your cat under a bush in the parking lot and can leave accordingly.
Should I send out birth announcements?
Of course! How else will you get famous?
What should we do with the placenta?
Let's stop now, shall we?
Read more funny stuff from this author:
- 10 Reasons My Cat Won't Look at My Baby
- 10 New Year's Resolutions My Cat Is Already Breaking
- Why Your Cat Is Obsessed With You on the Toilet
- How to Throw a Birthday Party for Your Cat
- How to Host the Perfect Summer Party for Cats (Because Why the Heck Not?)
- 7 Jobs in Which Cats Would Fail -- in the Most Awesome Way