I don’t understand humans. I know that I should be able to, but humans just seem so complicated, even if they aren’t as smart as cats. It’s like they’re more complicated because they’re not as smart as cats. On the one hand, you invent the Internet and gravy. On the other hand, you invent bland cat food that’s hypoallergenic and you try to start fights with cats over the Internet. It makes no sense. Really, I just don’t understand.
Most cats don’t carry cell phones. It’s not that no one wants to talk to us. If no one wanted to talk to me, I wouldn’t have a comments section on this blog, now would I? The issue is that we’re used to being important, so important that if someone wants to talk to us, they come to us and engage us. Dogs come when you call. Cats, you walk up to and give scritchies. It’s pretty simple.
Regardless of their importance, humans al use cell phones. Even the president has a BlackBerry, which, from what I understand, is a kind of cell phone. It’s as if there are no humans so important that they command the sort of “come talk to me” servility as the majority of house cats. So why would a cat who didn’t have a professional need for one have an e-mail address, cell phone, or Facebook page? We wouldn’t. This brings me to the topic of the day: The False Mina.
A human is out there impersonating a cat — impersonating me. I know this must be a human front, because no one is underwriting this name-stealing flea-bag. Feline media is a small world. The pros work for one of two places: Catster and Cat Fancy. I had a human call around (because I don’t have a cell phone) and sure enough, it turns out that no one is underwriting this. So I know there must be a human behind it. Also, the page is full of bad spelling and cat memes.
Listen, Fake Me, real cats use spellcheck, and we write our own copy. You don’t do either, fuzz-ball. If I had that fake cat here, I’d introduce her to a face full of claws, and whatever human is using her to try and steal my thunder, that thumb beast could suck a shoe full of feline wrath, if you know what I mean.
There are rumors in the feline ‘hood that the ‘nip is developed to help oppress the cat population. Some say that the same place that made up ‘nip also invented fleas. I’m not sure I believe that, but I keep an open mind, because humans are capable of anything. They steal feline identities and do all sorts of other bad things. But things like this, robbing a poor cat of her identity, stealing the intellectual property of another hardworking cat, and using the two as a front for kitty-porn? That’s just reprehensible.
I realize that I have a Facebook page, but I’m a feline journalist. Journalism is increasingly becoming a cult of personality. It happens 24/7, meaning that you should expect to spend seven minutes or so after every 24 hours of sleep working to build your brand. But fake me isn’t getting a paycheck, and real kitties do it for the Benjamins. And the gravy. Well, mostly, the gravy.