Mina the Cat
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Listen Up, Humans: The Olympics Are Useless

As far as I can tell, sleeping, eating, and dominating other cats aren't Olympic events. So, what's the point?

 |  Aug 7th 2012  |   0 Contributions


Mommy and Daddy are watching a lot of Olympics coverage in my house. They repeatedly flip back and forth to see how human athletes are doing and seem heavily invested in “the games.” They've spent a week staring at people running, jumping, climbing, swimming, sword fighting, shooting, and bouncing, while I have found myself wondering more and more how humans can be so dumb. I don’t mean so dumb that they watch the Olympics. I find work fascinating; I can watch Daddy do it for hours.

First, let’s note that there are only three athletic endeavors of importance: eating, sleeping, and dominating other cats. I know this because I have mastered all three fields; further, someone who doesn’t master those three fields dies. If you don’t master eating, you starve; if you don’t master sleeping, you die of exhaustion; if you don’t master dominating other cats, then you end up being some other cat’s bitch, which is a fate worse than death, so you might as well be dead.

Doing some world-class napping in the recliner. (Check the spotlight my humans have trained on me.)

None of those is in the Olympics. Instead, you watch other Olympic events, or as I call them, "sucky Olympic events." You humans watch swimming, which is clearly subpar, because it requires that one gets wet. You watch running, which is subpar because one should run only if one chases or is being chased; and, as far as I can tell, there’s no chasing in the Olympics. You watch lots of jumping events, all of which are pretty silly and never seem to end with the athlete lying on an armrest and getting scritchies, so what’s the point?

Then you watch what I call the “slave games.” Slave games include the shot put, javelin, discus, pole vaulting, tennis, fencing, and badminton. All these events require that the user carry something. Carrying things requires thumbs, and only slave species have thumbs. So, again, what’s the point?

Swimming is a subpar sport, because one gets wet. Cat at edge of pool by Shutterstock.

Let’s not even get into the horse events, other than to say kitties and horseys have an agreement: We hate each other, they stay outside.

Further, I don’t understand why anyone would want to be an Olympic athlete. There’s no money in it; the fame and adoration isn’t even the real sort that comes with doing anything someone cares about, because if it were, humans would watch swimming the other 206 weeks of every four years. Also, according to what I’ve heard, the medals aren’t even worth that much money. So why would anyone want to spend his or her entire day working really hard to accomplish nothing? It just makes no sense at all. It’s so silly, only a human could come up with it.

Here's me on the Olympic podium. JOKE.

In fairness, there are humans who get big endorsement deals, like all those guys who shill for that chain sandwich place. But they’re not allowed to run those ads during the Olympics. The reason, from what I understand, has to do with the International Olympic Committee, which sues the pants off anyone who does anything that looks like it might be taking away attention from the games. These same people also threaten to sue small businesses who attempt to celebrate the games in London, and tell private owners of public advertising who they can and cannot sell that space to. Add to that the fact that the Olympics also don’t really help most businesses near the games, and it seems like even less of a good idea.

So, the IOC demands time, money, and resources. It gives next to nothing back, save some small amount of entertainment. It commands all attention and permits no attention to others in its presence, and it doesn’t do any work to make up for it.

It’s like a lame version of a housecat with no fur. Why would anyone want that?

Need more Mina? Of course you do. Browse the Mina archives for some high-grade feline contempt. 

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