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My Cats Would Be the Worst Advice Columnists Ever

My three cats can barely be trusted to responsibly advise themselves, much less consult the cat world at large.

 |  Dec 30th 2013  |   4 Contributions


Everyone needs a little unbiased feedback. Dear Abby has been doling out advice to generations of humans in need of guidance for more than 50 years, but where do cats go to obtain words of wisdom? Believe it or not, there are cat-to-cat advice columns out there. Ask Einstein is a new feature here on Catster, and Sparkle has been delivering feline advice for quite a few years on her blog. 

Saffy has all kinds of advice, but I'm not promising it's any good.

I think some cats are better suited to the advice-giving business. Mine? Not so much. At least not advice humans would appreciate. They can barely be trusted to responsibly advise themselves, much less consult the cat world at large. Don't believe me? My three tried their paw at a few sample questions I made up to test their expertise. See for yourself.

1. Dear Saffy

Dear Saffy,

How do I tell my human I don't like the new food she's trying to feed me? It's supposed to be better for me, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I've been refusing to eat it, but no dice -- It still shows up in my bowl at each meal. How can I make sure she gets the message, but in a polite and respectful manner?

Help!

Food Striker in Schenectady

Saffy: "And while you're at it, ask to eat at the table, just like everybody else."

Dear Striker,

Easy. Eat the food super quickly and try to ignore the taste as best you can. Immediately follow up with a giant pile of vomit right back into your food dish. Sit beside the dish and give your best "told ya so" look until a human notices you. One word of caution: If you share your home with a dog, be aware that the canine may try and eat the sick before a human has a chance to fully absorb your message. Use claws and menacing throaty noises accordingly.

You're welcome,

Saffy

2. Dear Cosmo

Dear Cosmo,

I love my human so much and can hardly bear to be apart from her. When she closes the bathroom door, I lose my mind! I fear I may never see her again and immediately become panicky. I would appreciate any helpful advice to effectively communicate my separation anxiety.

Thank you,

Mama's Boy in Baltimore

Cosmo: "Why don't you just start out by leaving the door open and we can avoid all this drama."

Dear Mama's Boy,

You obviously aren't doing it right. Humans hate it when we howl and desperately pound at doors. Have you tried that yet? And don't tell me you stopped after five minutes. The goal is to wear them down. Make them so irritated that they have to curse and hobble from the toilet to the bathroom door with their pants around their ankles to let you inside so you'll stop all the ruckus. Dude, it's the only way. Trust me. I've also been known to throw my entire body against a closed bathroom door. You do what you have to do. 

Good luck,

Cosmo

3. Dear Phoebe

Dear Phoebe,

My human works at home and I like to join her while she's doing whatever she does. The trouble is, she's really bad about making room for me to lie on the desk. She knows I like to stretch out on top of stacks of papers and notebooks, but she acts frustrated when I do it. I know she constantly has to pull papers out from under me, but so what? Is it that big of a deal? And if she doesn't want me to tip over her cup of pens, she should devise a better way to store them. I mean, really. I refuse to refrain from "desk time," but want to move forward with some sort of suggestions for compromising on both of our needs for desk space.

Suggestions?

Paperwaiting in Pasadena

Phoebe: "Not going anywhere."

Dear Paperwaiting,

Take what you want. You have to look out for number one, so just jump up and stretch out wherever you'd like. And she should be the one thanking you. Really, would she ever find a cuter paperweight at Staples or Office Max? Negative. You are serving a purpose and decorating her work space at the same time. And her pens are probably crap anyway -- keep knocking them over.

Hope that helps,

Phoebe

What kind of advice would your cat give? Tell us in the comments!

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About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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