Most humans aren’t aware of the underground feline code of lingo known as Fanglish. Spoken in back-alley dumpsters, empty Kmart parking lots, and unsuspecting humans’ homes, Fanglish may not be as explicit as some human slang; however, it is steeped in the brazen badassery and witty snark only a cat can deliver.
We’ve uncovered the never-before-seen-by-human-eyes Fanglish dictionary and are cautiously divulging a few terms from its contents. If my cats knew about this breach, I’d certainly have to sleep with one eye open.
The act of cleaning one’s rear in full view of a human’s dinner party guests.
“The lady was embarrassed when my dinner and a show distracted her guests from their flank steak.”
They may appear aloof, but believe me, cats know what they’re doing. They sense when we’re trying to impress the new friends, boss, or in-laws.
We’ve managed to remove the layer of cat fur from the sofa, we’ve exhibited our most impressive school-of-Trader-Joe’s knowledge of wines, and just as we’ve sat down to enjoy that no-fail dish that always dazzles guests, we hear the telltale lick, lick, lick. Everyone looks over to see Snowball, already savoring her first course.
A cat who howls during every second of a car ride.
“On the way to the vet, I was very quiet, but Mittens was a real ridezilla.”
Cats who don’t like to ride in cars really don’t like to ride in cars. And they’re not afraid to make us painfully aware of that fact … during the entire ride.
My two girls are total ridezillas. Phoebe expresses herself with a string of clipped meows, one right after the other. Conversely, Saffy bellows long, deep meeeeooooows. Their sounds actually complement one another; however, I usually want to stab my ears with knitting needles by the time we reach the vet. Thank goodness my vet doesn’t knit.
The final resting place for toys batted under the refrigerator.
“Mittens was heartbroken when his favorite jingle ball crossed under the rainbow fridge.”
Sometimes cats lose their favorite toys under the sofa, where they’re fairly easily retrieved. What bliss to rediscover that magical catnip banana! It’s like Christmas all over again. Unfortunately, toys batted under the refrigerator are lost forever.
The cocking of a sleeping cat’s ear as she hears a human address her and considers whether she might wake up.
“Snowball suddenly felt a case of the ear mights when the lady called her from the other room.”
We know they hear us, right? I think they cock an ear to show us they hear us but emphasize they are choosing to ignore us. Cats like to constantly remind us they are in control at all times. And like the compliant lesser species that we humans are, we submit.
The act in which a human decides, instead of disturbing a cat by moving her, to balance a single butt cheek on the edge of a chair.
“The lady immediately got cheeky when she noticed Maurice was sleeping in her favorite chair.”
Why in the world would I move them when they look so comfortable and cozy? No worries — one cheek is plenty enough for me to sit on for a few hours while I pay bills. In case anyone wonders, this is why half of my butt is incredibly toned and the other half tends to the saggier side.
The act of rubbing one’s face over every inch of a human’s book as she attempts to read.
“After I facebooked the lady’s novel a dozen times, she put down the book and petted me.”
That will teach us to try to choose our own source of joy and entertainment.
A cat who enjoys knocking over glasses of liquid.
“As the lady left the room, she picked up her glass of water because she remembered Mittens was a big tipper.”
I have a couple of big tippers and so I’ve become militant about picking up cups and glasses when I leave the room. In fact, when I stay at a hotel, I feel remiss leaving a cup of coffee unattended while I take a shower. They’re even the boss of me when I’m on vacation.
The feeling you’ve already smelled a particularly stinky item of footwear.
“Maurice experienced deja shoe when he stuck his face inside the lady’s loafer.”
Malodorous footwear is a major magnet for cats’ noses, so they’ll look for any opportunity to dive in for a lingering whiff, sometimes even falling asleep with their face flat against the foulness. They don’t care one bit whether or not they’ve already experienced relations with a particular shoe.
The concentrated look on a cat’s face while she is relieving herself in the litter pan.
“Maurice’s preoccupootion could not be broken, even when Mittens kicked sand on him from a nearby litter box.”
Nothing can break a cat’s focus while she’s crouched in position, doing her business. I’ve been known to kneel on the floor, attempting to meet my cats’ gaze — they won’t do it. They flawlessly maintain that laser-focused dedication to the poo. Good for them.
The social norms and values of counter-cruising felines.
“The lady completely destroyed our counter culture when she began putting the butter dish in the pantry.”
As soon as an opportunity presents itself, Saffy is on the counter, sniffing for goodies. When we catch her in the act or change something about the available items on the counter, it completely harshes her mellow and ruins the counter culture.
Got anything to add to the Fanglish dictionary? Let us know in the comments below. And for a more extensive look at the dictionary, visit Catladyland, but do it when your cats are sleeping. We don’t want trouble!