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What If Cats Had Jobs?

What if cats were like dogs, and some breeds could work? What would they do? Nothing on our list, that's for sure.

Michael Leaverton  |  Jul 17th 2012


With all the working animals out there in the world — service dogs, reindeer, truffle hogs, every ox ever — we got to thinking: What kinds of jobs could cats get?

We should have stopped thinking about that, but the bar was still open and here we are.

Persian Cat

Persian cats are characterized by that smooshed face and too much fur for the cat’s own good. Appropriate jobs include lying around looking adorable and working with lint. Mostly working with lint.

Jobs:

  • Field Operator, Bureau of Lint Collection.
  • Window washer (extra charge for flat-face application).
  • Anything Wilford Brimley does.
  • Member of the Queen’s Guard.
  • Whole-body Rustex Triple Foam Polish Wax applicator (extra screamy).

Sphynx Cat

Yes, the Sphynx has no hair. The Sphynx is tired of hearing he has no hair — that’s all anybody can talk about when they’re around the Sphynx. That and his freaky face.

Jobs:

  • Drug addict in Law & Order who gets killed before first commercial.
  • Nivea face model (“before” picture).
  • Character for kids’ birthday parties (nightmare theme).
  • MMA fighter three years after retiring.

Cymric Manx Cat

Drop a Cymric Manx into a Walmart garden center and you might never see him again — they blend into foliage like lost children. Also, you’ll probably find him in Bedding, asleep.

Jobs:

  • Seal Team 6, Foliage Battalion
  • Private investigator, particularly suited for sitting motionless in the shrubbery waiting for your girlfriend to cheat on you.
  • A moveable bush — that’s a job now, right?
  • Repo man. You never see these guys coming.

Norwegian Forest Cat

Not all Norwegian Forest Cats look like this, but they all want to. This cat can do anything in the world, obviously. What a cat.

Jobs:

  • Killing bears? Jesus, look at that cat.
  • Running a Hollywood studio.
  • Killing more bears.
  • Ruling Wall Street with an iron fist and then destroying it all during one lost Tuesday.
  • Taking King’s Landing and Storm’s End, then marching to Harrenhal to unite Westeros. Winterfell!

Abyssinian Cat

My, what a pretty, svelte Abyssinian cat this one is! Oh, you’re a guy? I knew that.

Jobs:

  • Yoga instructor
  • Vogue intern
  • Pantene commercial extra (not the star)
  • Orlando Bloom, when the actor gets promoted to Johnny Depp and leaves the position open

Angry Sphynx Cat

If you have an angry Sphynx, good news! He can enter a new line of work, because I don’t think anyone is going to hire a Nivea model that looks like this fella. Best suited to jobs where the overwhelming threat of violence helps one be more effective in the workplace.

Jobs:

  • Chef
  • Home mover
  • Nun
  • Dog catcher (he can handle it).
  • Editor?

Serengeti Cat

Look at those ears! I wouldn’t be surprised if this cat can hear my co-worker sigh over his Hot Pocket at 50 paces.

Jobs:

  • Safecracker
  • Common barn bat
  • Office snoop
  • Early Mickey Mouse
  • Circus elephant

Ukrainian Levkoy Cat

The Levkoy is a cross between a Sphinx and a lob-eared cat and frankly it scares the crap out of me. It’s best suited to jobs that require scaring the crap out of me.

Jobs:

  • Barista when I ask for chocolate syrup.
  • Antichrist, devil, fallen angel — really any spawn-of-Satan-type character.
  • Landlord pounding on door when rent is due (best viewed through keyhole).
  • Editor!
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