Do you bug your cat? Does she have pet peeves among the stuff you do? In honor of Pet Peeves Week (that’s a real thing, and that’s why we’re doing whatever it is we’re doing here) we created a FAQ on how to tell if your act is acting out because of a pet peeve over something you’ve done or if she is just behaving normally.

My cat pooped on my forehead when I was asleep. Does he have a pet peeve?

Yes.

My cat wouldn’t come out of the closet after I ran the vacuum. Does she have a pet peeve?

Yes.

My cat keeps coughing up hairballs on my couch. Does she have a pet peeve?

Is the couch white?

Yes.

Then no. Who buys a white couch? The cat is pointing out the folly of the white couch. She’s your life coach.

My cat knocks all my makeup containers off the counter every morning, and every night I have to set them all back up. Pet peeve?

God, no. She’s the happiest cat alive.

My cat farts when company is over. Pet peeve?

Wow. Can we come over?

My cat meows directly into my ear when I’m asleep. Pet peeve?

Did you sleep past noon again?

Yes.

Get your life together.

My cat keeps scratching my Barcalounger. Does she have a pet peeve?

She has taste, my friend.

My cat threw up on the baby. Pet peeve?

Yes. Unless the baby is ugly. Is your baby ugly?

No.

Be honest.

Yes.

Thank you, that took courage. Your cat is trying to beautify the ugly baby. It’s perfectly normal.

My cat poops outside the litter box. Pet peeve?

How far outside the box?

In my shoes.

That’s a pet peeve!

My cat hisses at me when I come out of the bedroom in the morning. Pet peeve?

Are you wearing pants?

No.

Put on some pants and get back to us tomorrow.

My cat scratches my legs when I walk by. Pet peeve?

How hairy are your legs?

Ever seen chaparral?

Not a pet peeve. She thinks you’re a cat tree.

My cat leaves dead mice and birds in my bed. Does she have a pet peeve?

No, but you’ve got a nice screenplay in that. Contact Hollywood.

My cat won’t drink out of the $100 cat fountain I bought. Pet peeve?

Who’s to say? Better spring for the $200 cat fountain.

My cat claws at my shoes. Pet peeve?

Not when you’re wearing those Crocs.

My cat hisses whenever my friends come over. Pet peeve?

No, she’s just trying to protect you from those awful people.

My cat always throws up on the carpet and not the hardwood floors. Pet peeve?

Do you even have to ask?

My cat sometimes stays in the closet all day and only comes out when I’m asleep. Pet peeve?

Nah, she’s fine. Don’t you just love cats?

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