Ah, Valentine’s Day … the one day of the year when we can count on loved ones to physically demonstrate their undying love for us, right? My husband and I usually exchange cards and maybe make a special dinner, and I’ll typically buy some sort of heart-shaped sweet for each of my kids. I have great childhood memories of spending hours choosing the perfect glittery kitty valentines for my classmates and then scrawling my name on the back, secretly hoping the boy I liked read between the lines when he saw the words, “Valentine, You’re the Cat’s Meow.”
And then there were the conversation hearts, those chalky little tasteless bearers of blandly affectionate greetings like “BE MINE” and “HUG ME.” For a cat, Valentine’s Day is just like any other day, and kitty will exhibit no more or no less sentiment and devotion than she does the other 364 days of the year. In fact, if a cat were to present us with conversation hearts, they’d probably (definitely) be exactly what we’d expect from them — and you know what I mean.
Here are six conversation hearts a cat would give, along with the feline explanations (although a real cat knows she doesn’t need to explain anything to anyone).
“I’m at the foot of the bed — can you see me? I know you were up late last night and it’s Sunday morning and all, but my bowl’s not gonna fill itself. I’m standing on your chest — can you see me now? How are you still breathing? Last week the vet told us I’m a solid pounds and all of it is currently squatted on your sternum. Seriously, open your eyes and just look how adorable I am when I’m hungry. I’m even more adorable under the soft glow of the kitchen light. Wake up, already!”
“I know I’m ridiculously cute, but can’t you see I’m staring at the side of the bookcase right now? Please do not lean in and fondle me unless properly invited. And by properly invited, I mean never. I will be the initiator of the fondling, so just go back to watching Jeopardy and I’ll be over sometime later this afternoon. Probably. Treats in-hand will increase the chances.”
“It’s pointless to even start folding that laundry. Go about your business and I’ll let you know when I’m finished warming myself up in the basket of clothes. What’s the big deal, anyway? By now you’re used to my fur on your clothes. Your coworkers probably wouldn’t recognize you without that signature layer of white fuzz. Did you know they call you Fuzz Butt behind your back? Cool, huh? And your skivvies are way cozier than I would have imagined. As long as we’re discussing your underthingies, how in the world do you wear those? Don’t they get wedged in your butt crack?”
“Look, I understand how you might get a little miffed when I snag a little something off your plate, but hey — you’re the one who went to the bathroom and left your property unattended, officially making it open game. In other words, it becomes mine. By the way, I really wish you’d stop buying generic fish sticks. I may eat on the floor and lick my own bottom, but I do have standards. And while we’re on the subject … fish sticks? Really? What are you, five?”
“I know I liked the head scritches two seconds ago, but now I’m finished with that business. OK, now you can run your hands along the length of my tail. Now stop. Now do it again. Enough, already! You will never, ever be able to understand my erratic behavior when it comes to petting. I’m like Sybil in a fur coat.”
“Guess what? I really don’t mind a little fuzz and clumps of whatnot on the carpet. Don’t haul that horrifically loud, robotic floor-sucking demon out on my account. And if those people are your real friends, they won’t care if they step on a cracker crumb or two. Plus, I was saving some of those cracker crumbs for a midnight snack. So there. Now you can’t get rid of them because I’ll get hungry in the middle of the night and have to start whining around your bed. Neither of us wants that, right? I thought so.”
What messages would be on the conversations hearts your cats would give you? Tell us about them in the comments!
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